We are busy little bees

Hello blog friends! Spoof and Speck here. We know you are expecting our usual hilarity today. Sadly we are busy getting ready for our Thanksgiving dinners.

Don't cry friends. It's just for a day.

Since you won't hear from us again until Friday, we thought we'd leave you with this video. Imagine it as us, getting ready for the big meal.

Have a very Happy Thanksgiving.

Delivery from Lassie

You know what bugs us? When people get flowers at work then have to keep them out on the central desk so every single person who walks through the door can ooo and ahhh over them. 

We have one particular coworker who gets flowers often. Not just for birthdays and anniversaries. No, this Lambikins gets flowers at least every other month for heaven only knows what reason. 

Oh look, even more flowers for Lambikins

One time, trying to be friendly, we asked "who are the flowers from?" Lambikins blustered for a minute before finally saying, "I don't think I can tell you."

 

Seriously?

If that weren't bad enough, the most recent bouquet came this week. Lambikins smiled one of those secret smiles while reading the card. Boyfriend, we figured. Oh no. The flowers were from her dog. Her dog! Apparently the pooch had been misbehaving and "sent flowers to apologize."

Does that make sense in your world?

We think we need flowers too. Maybe from Rabid Mo. Or from the chair that broke while Speck was sitting in it.

It's Mo Monday!

We knew Mo was wily. We knew he wasn't above enlisting other animals in his plots. We didn't know he would stoop this low. How can he consult with a rat?

We don't think they're planning to train turtles in karate.

It might not be immediately obvious from this photo, but the rat is on the other side of a window. Mo is so charismatic that he can charm a rodent without even being clearly heard. We pity the poor folk inside that building. With rats working for him Mo will have access to everyone.

Nothing better than a mask

In the time that we've worked at Tartarus, we've been in an ongoing feud with the Hutt. One of our main issues of contention is costumes. Your friends Spoof and Speck love wearing costumes. We find every excuse we can to wear a costume at work. 

Happy Easter, from Spoof and Speck

Happy Halloween from Spoof and Speck

Happy Return-to-new-episodes-of-Sherlock from Spoof and Speck

The Hutt, on the other hand, has a general disdain for costuming. Generally speaking, the times that we've been allowed to wear costumes the permission has come only grudgingly and with a lot of rules (nothing frightening, only one day, only after lunch, and on and on). Usually when we costume the Hutt looks at us with barely restrained disgust. The only exception to this hatred is the Hutt's favorites. If any of the favorite employees wear a costume they are fawned over for minutes at a time (even if the "costume" is ears made from pipe cleaners). 

Honestly, that hatred only fuels our desire to put on fake beards and capes.

The costume battle took an interesting turn this Halloween. This year, a large percentage of staff members arrived at Tartarus in costume. Customers thought we were amazing. The Hutt was thrilled. We found out later that the Hutt claimed to have arranged the whole thing. It was actually Spoof.

We dressed up again this week for a program, this time just the two of us. We looked amazing, if we do say so ourselves. Photos were taken. There may even have been a t.v. interview. The Hutt again is taking the credit. Funny how that happens.

All we can say is this:

We are slightly awesome!

(This link might be a little confusing. When you get to the new page, you want to click the little pink triangle in the top right-hand box. We could not find a YouTube video for this song)

Pigs say oink

Inspiration for today's post comes from the YouTube sensation, that popular Ylvis song, What Does the Fox Say.

Unfamiliar with the song? Shame on you. Here. Educate yourself. (If you know the song, feel free to skip the video. (Of course if you're anything like us you'll use this opportunity to watch it again. And again. Maybe fifty times in a row. What can we say. It speaks to us.))

"Okay, Spoof and Speck," you're saying, "I watched the video. So what?"

We were thinking about this song today and couldn't help but think of our own lyrics for the chorus. We call it "What does the dope say" and much like Ylvis's fox, the dope says a lot of different things. Here's a sampling.

What does the dope say:

I don't know how to make change.

Let me call you about something stupid I forgot to tell you two weeks ago.

Tell me again how we need to close up tonight.

I have Tartarus on the phone for you.

Is Speck here today (said after talking to Speck)

Should the stapler be on the right or the left?

I can't find my car.

Does the label maker need a label?

I think my cat might be allergic to gluten.

Do we answer the phone when it rings?

We swear, this is what it looks like every day in Tartarus.

 

This dude is famous

We're convinced that every town has it's own celebrity. Sometimes it's a police officer or firefighter who saved a bunch of people. Sometimes it's a news reporter or something, a true personality. In our town, the big celebrity is none of these things. To be honest, we're not 100% certain why he's famous.

Meet the Big B.

No, not that bee.

At first glance, the Big B is nothing special. He isn't anybody particularly important. He works at a convenience store. He isn't connected to anyone important. Still, people love him.

Weird, right?

When you go into the store, if there are two cashiers working, more people wait in the Big B's line. We were in a different store one day. The guy in front of us suddenly whooped. "Sorry," he said. "I'm just super excited. I just got a text from the Big B. We're going clubbing!"

We are not immune to the allure of the B. We refer to buying a drink from the convenience store as "getting some ice cold Big B." One day, the Big B came into Tartarus and walked right up to Spoof. We could hardly speak, we were so shocked and happy to see him.  

We didn't quite beg him for a photo.

So, in conclusion, we don't understand the pull of the Big B. We just know how things are. Who knows, we might have more B stories for you someday soon.

Here are the SNL bees one more time, just because.

It's another Mo Monday

Construction workers beware! Recently, our parking lot was renovated. Don't get us wrong: the renovation was a good thing. Random 3-step staircases lining the walkways? Yeah. That's a good idea. Sure. Anyway, we were super stoked about the upcoming new and improved, staircase free lot until we spied this:

Where doesn't this squirrel go?

Luckily Mo didn't seem to be interested in us. Rather, he was eying a particularly large construction worker from behind that stack of cones. We think maybe he is planning a barbeque. Maybe a luau.

Let's play a game

Today we are playing Good Idea, Bad Idea : the Hutt edition. 

According to the Hutt:

Bad Idea = Sitting at the desk, working on some planning in a binder.

Looking lazy, Spoof and Speck

Good Idea = Sitting at the desk, screwing around on Pinterest and Tumblr.

There's the kind of productivity we like to see.

Bad Idea = Replacing equipment because it is damaged.

You can make that work.

Good Idea = Replacing equipment because it is "ugly".

That ain't Kermit

Today's paining leads us to a number of questions. Where did such a big frog come from? How has that guy not noticed it? And most importantly, is the frog going to eat the guy or is the guy leading the frog by it's tongue? We leave it up to you to decide.

In fact, we're asking for your input. We're making this painting a caption contest. Send us your funniest caption in the comments. We'll post our favorite December 1st.

This guy looks suspiciously happy to be licked by a giant frog

Your very own sampler plate

Usually we share one, big, funny story with. Today that didn't happen. Instead we have as series of stupid anecdote for you. Enjoy.

1. When we opened up this morning, our computers were out of order. Zebra went around and posted signs. Immediately afterward (we're talking less than a minute later) someone asked to use a computer. Zebra's response? "Sure."

2. Shoes flipped out because someone else got an email, was in a panic over not seeing this email yet. The email was waiting in Shoes' account. 

You can't get information 30 seconds before me!

3. Our newest employee has worked in Tartarus for a month now and still can't figure out how to use our phones. Even "hold" eludes this person.

Do I push 'hold' or 'out'?

4. Spoof followed protocol and emailed the Hutt about a possible program. The Hutt replied "you should have emailed Opie first. Opie would be the one to do it." Firstly, this thing isn't even scheduled. We're supposed to ask the Hutt first. Secondly, why is everything Opie's? 

Barely holding it together here.

5. A patron in Tartarus argued with the new employee about a fine this afternoon. Things were getting out of control. Shoes, who is supposed to handle these things, was sitting right there, in earshot, and ignored the entire exchange.

Because ignoring a problem always makes it go away.

 So that's the story of our day. In general this kind of stuff happens every day.

We wish we knew Obi Wan

If you've been following our blog for any length of time you know a couple of things:
     1. We work with morons.
     2. We have some anger issues.
     3. We are hilarious.
     4. We hate our awful boss.
Now, you might be asking "Spoof and Speck, if the Hutt is so terrible, why don't you do something about it? Certainly there is some way to get rid of that leach on your work lives."

Well, you would be correct. There certainly is a way to get rid of the Hutt (and we mean something legal and not involving hit-men). We have a board of directors who are responsible for all major disciplinary action. With that in mind, we all at Tartarus filled out evaluations of the Hutt about three months ago. 

Help us, board of directors. You're our only hope.

 
We were promised that the evaluations would be taken seriously and action would be taken. 

As it turns out, we were the ones to get taken.

It has been three months. Three months where we have anxiously waited for news of disciplinary action. We aren't naive. While we wished the Hutt would end up fired, we know that's not likely. We spent three months dreaming of administrative leave, months of probation, even follow-up evaluations to make sure things were still on track.

And then they drag us back down to earth

You know what we got? Bupkis. Pretty much the only change we have noticed is that the stupid doll (remember this story?) gets changed more often. That's it. The Hutt is still nasty, accusatory, and obviously plays favorites. The worst part is, certain members of the board promised us, literally promised, that things would change. They swore that the evaluation was being taken seriously. Yeah right. 

Shame on you, board.

So that's why we complain here. We've tried complaining to useful sources and we get blown off. Therefore, we share our frustration and hilarity with you.

Is nothing sacred?

We've seen Mo at a cafe, stalking parade goers, even hiding in a Pepsi machine. Today's sitting really takes the cake. Speck went to put on a hat today, a favorite hat mind you, and saw this:

Seriously Mo, you're not even hiding.

Says Speck "He didn't even pretend to be friendly. Look at him sneering at me." 

So, be warned. When Mo is gunning for you nothing will stop him.

Muffins rule the world

We try to be reasonable, understanding people. We try not to judge our coworkers without knowing the complete story. Sometimes, though, there is no reasonable explanation. Take today for instance.

When we went into Tartarus this morning, we were startled to find our workspace a disaster zone. The Mosquito, who was the last to use the space last night, not only did not do any of the assigned work (filing and what not) but apparently spent the evening cutting things out of paper for some unexplained reason (we suspect it was for a bulletin board display, though the Mosquito wouldn't tell us). We wouldn't care so much about this if the cutting mess had been cleaned up. But no, there were paper scraps all over the place.

"Spoof and Speck," you are saying, "why does this matter? What's a few paper scraps between friends?"
 

Just hug it out, right?

First off, we remind you that Mosquito is not our friend. The friendship ship has long since sailed and probably sunk like the Titanic. Secondly, y'all don't know this but we are on scissor probation. Yes, you read that right. We had our scissors taken away for almost a year. The Hutt said we made too much of a mess when we cut things and we were only allowed to cut where the public could not see us. The scissors were returned provisionally this spring, with the warning that if we ever left a mess we would lose our scissors again, permanently this time. 

Sure enough, before we could get the mess under control, along came the Hutt with a scowl. "What is all this? How could you make a mess already?"

"Uh, we didn't," said Spoof. "The Mosquito did this last night."

Just like that, the scowl vanished, replaced by the Hutt's super creepy smile.

Yeah, it's kind of like that.

"Oh, that's okay then," the Hutt said.
 
We wanted to scream. Instead, we complained to Shoes, hoping someone would back us up. What were we thinking? Shoes acted like we were crazy and unreasonable.

We can only conclude that everything the Mosquito does, no matter how wrong, is right. We are so sick of it. 

Substitute "Mosquito" for "Charlie Brown" and that's pretty much our feelings

Are you in there, Hutt?

In case you weren't 100% clear on the Hutt's unfitness (is that even a word? It feels like it should be a word) as a boss, check out today's Hutt interaction.

This is definitely what it feels like when the boss corners you.

A gentleman came into Tartarus, approached Spoof, and asked to see our boss. The guy didn't look like a violent psychopath but you never know, so Spoof asked what he wanted. When he identified himself as the purveyor of a new product, Spoof dialed up to the office. When the Hutt picked up, this was the conversation that followed.

     Spoof: Hutt, I've got a gentleman here who'd like to talk to you about a product.

     Hutt: -silence-

     Spoof: Hutt? Should I send him up?

     Hutt: -sigh- What does he want?

     Spoof: -blinks- Um, he wants to talk to you. About a product.

     Hutt: -heavier sigh- Send him up I guess.
 

So, what we're wondering is this: Was the Hutt just not listening? Or hoping that the guy would get fed up and walk away, thus meaning that the Hutt didn't have to deal with him?

Or maybe just sitting there nose-picking

 
     

     

Even we can't explain this one

It's time again for one of our favorite features. That's right, it's Stuff Out of Context!

Our line today: I crapped my pants.

Honestly, we don't even remember the context for this one. We would like to assure you, though, that neither Spoof nor Speck has done any pants crapping since early childhood.

Really, this one speaks for itself.

 

Of course. That makes so much sense.

Our story today actually does not take place in Tartarus. It's about Shoes. 

Shoes is married. We know what you're thinking: Who in their right mind would marry that loon? Shoes' significant other is called Squirrel. 

What a lovely couple!

Squirrel worked, until just recently, in a big box store. The other day Shoes came in looking a little concerned and confided in us. Squirrel got fired.

"Oh no," we said, "what happened?"

"Well," said Shoes, "just like me, Squirrel is a very good worker. The others at the store were very jealous and complained to the corporate office. They decided the only solution was to fire Squirrel."

 

Are you serious right now?

There are so many problems with that explanation. Let's number them, shall we?
     1. Shoes is not a good worker. Shoes in an annoying, inept, useless worker.
     2. You have to massively screw up to get fired from a big box store. Seriously, morons work there. 
     3. No one thinks it is good business practice to fire good workers, regardless of how others feel about them. It's common sense.
     4. If they did fire Squirrel for being "too good" that's not something you just accept. You get upset. You make a scene. You demand to speak to your corporate office. 

We'd keep going, but we might run out of fingers.

So, this leads us to a couple of conclusions. Either Shoes and Squirrel are completely delusional or they are lying to everyone.    

The squirrel in his natural habitat

We shouldn't be surprised to see Rabid Mo up in a tree. This is, after all, where one normally finds squirrels. 

This is quite possibly the most normal place we've ever seen him.

 Still, seeing him at all is unnerving. Especially when he follows you around the tree.

He looks like he's about to pounce.

 

We definitely got tricked

Did kids come trick-or-treat where you work yesterday? They came to Tartarus. Over the course of two hours we had over a hundred little monsters, video game characters, animals, and princesses troop up to our front desk. 

They were almost this cute.

 
In the morning we made a plan. For the first hour, Opie would handle the trick-or-treaters. Then Speck would take the second hour. The treats were all laid out. All Opie had to do was hand them out and keep the tally of kids. Easy right?

Apparently not. Ten minutes into the first hour we got a call in our workroom. "We need one of you to come handle the treats." 

"Where's Opie," Speck said.

"Opie's doing something more important. One of you needs to come."

"I'll be a few minutes," Speck said. "I have to clean up a mess here."

"Well, can Spoof come?" 

"Spoof is dealing with a group, remember? They'll be here for an hour. We told you this morning," said Speck.

"Oh. Okay. Just hurry."

This is the scene we expected to see.

So we have a couple of problems with this scenario. 
     1. When Speck got to the desk, there were maybe two kids around. 
     2. The important thing that Opie was doing, was fiddling with a computer. There were three other people at the desk. Any of them could have done it.
     3. How was it that no one else could deal with the trick-or-treaters? All you have to do is tell them what we have for treats. It's pretty much the world's easiest job.
     4. In what remained of that first hour, we had about twenty kids come in. We didn't get the big rushes until the second hour when they were gone anyway.
     5. What Speck was doing was kind of important and sort of time sensitive. They didn't even think about that.
     6. Why doesn't anyone ever remember what Spoof says? 

Curse you, all. How you infuriate us.