My butt needs glasses and my armpit needs a hearing aide

It's time once again for Stuff Out of Context! Today's line is:
I can't see out of my butt.

 

It's Mo Monday!

Foodies will try a lot of strange foods prepared a lot of strange ways. We're begging you, folks, beware of squirrel themed restaurants. This is a trap, a ruse designed by Mo and his minions to obtain easy access to gullible victims. Don't let a squirrel cook for you.

What does it smell like when she cooks for Rob?

Have you seen this commercial? If not, take a minute now and just watch the first half a minute or so.

So, it seems pretty self explanatory. Sandra's husband or whatever has died and they are making her dinner. But let's break down the initial conversation.

Husband: That smells good.

Wife: Thanks, but it's for Sandra.

Are we the only ones who see that as problematic? Why can't Sandra's food smell good? Does she not like tasty smells? Does Sandra's food need to smell like vomit and cat pee?

Sandra's dinner is ready.

 

Who would need the economy size-package?

It's time once again for Stuff Out of Context! Today's line is:
It's a slow-acting apocalypse.

Also available in fast-acting, tablets, caplets, and liqui-gels.

 

It's Mo Monday!

It's late on a Saturday afternoon and you lose a filling out of a molar. In a great deal of pain, you call your dentist only to discover that no one is in the office on a weekend. You could start calling around in hopes of finding a dentist who handles emergencies. Our suggestion: don't. Find some kind of short term pain relief and suffer through until you can see the dentist you know and trust. Otherwise you might find yourself at the mercy of a sadistic squirrel.

That's right. Mo has been known to masquerade as a dentist from time to time. If you let him drug you, you might wake up with fewer facial features.

Did you enjoy the gag?

With all of the chaos with Comfort Inn's abrupt departure, we nearly forgot about one of our favorite stories of the last several months. Today we bring you a story from January.

In the post holiday season, there were a number of thank you cards for the Tartarus staff to sign. We were startled to find the following message in a card for Comfort Inn: "Thanks for being a great hostage!"

"Umm, what's this all about," said Spoof.

"You remember," said Plague. "Comfort Inn invited us to that party at her house."

"You mean host," said Spoof. 

"No," said Plague. "A person who hosts a party is a hostage (pronouncing it 'hoh-stage')."

And no matter what we we said, we could not convince Plague she was wrong. Especially with Mr. Ed agreeing with the pronunciation.

Since neither of us was at the party in question, we can only assume it looked something like this:

 

Does he know the polka?

It's time once again for Stuff out of Context! Today's line is:
You just dance like a turkey.

It's Mo Monday!

We knew Mo had grand plans: namely the complete decimation of the entire human race. What we didn't know is that he's been watching the plans of private space exploration companies quite closely. Apparently, Mo is determined take over the entire universe. Once he's done eating us, that is. 
 

It may be pathological

What makes Mosquito think she can get away with blatant lies? She got caught in two whoppers today.

1. She told Shoes that she and Speck were hired to run our department and Spoof was hired as their assistant. Interestingly enough, Spoof has been running the department longer than Speck, Mosquito, or Shoes have even worked at Tartarus. Mosquito and Speck are, by their very job titles, the assistants. This is all documented and verifiable by our employee records. Shoes believed Mosquito over the records.

2. She told Zebra that she had hired a number of performers for summer events. When Zebra asked for examples, she couldn't name a single one. It is, in fact, Spoof who hired the performers. When called out on this lie, Mosquito first sulked and then spontaneously decided to go home early.


It is noteworthy that no matter how much she lies or to whom, nothing every happens to Mosquito. In fact, it is more likely that anyone who points out these lies will be accused of being mean.

 

Do you hate us right now?

We know. We know. We dropped the Comfort Inn bomb and then went back to business as usual. Forgive us. We're still processing the news. Here's what we know as of right now:

1. Mineola is once again "temporarily" in charge.

2. Everyone seems determined to act as if Comfort Inn never existed. We are being urged to revert everything (policy and physical arrangement) back to how the Hutt had it as quickly as possible.
 
3. As a continuation of that, we're never going to be told anything more about what happened with Comfort Inn. Our subtle, and not so subtle, inquiries have been entirely ignored.

4. No one is overly concerned with proper procedure or even legalities. Shoes has been taking home things that Comfort Inn purchased for Tartarus out of our operating budget. This is, apparently, not a problem.

5. Our board won't be discussing starting our new director search until summer. When we are busy. Like last time. So we're looking at no less than 4-6 months without appropriate leadership. Just an interim director who works a few partial days and an assistant director who refuses to do essential parts of the job.