2014 in review

2014 was a pretty good year on Falling Down the Death Stare. Sure we've been angry. That's pretty much our standard emotion. But we've had some laughs too. Check out some of our favorites this year.

Our favorite Mo Post
Rabid Mo, master of time.

Our favorite Further Adventures of Spoof and Speck
What you might call the classic chase.

Our favorite Stuff Out of Context
The American Donkey Love story. Who doesn't love donkeys in love?

Our favorite new character
The Murlhaug, of course.
Check out his first appearance here.

The most visited post 
It's a close call, but probably this one.


 
Is your favorite post not on this list? Just let us know in the comments.

Are you carrying roadkill?

Working with the public, we see all kinds of crazies. Nothing beats the fellow we saw today, though. Imagine this.

Firstly, the guy was built like Moe from the Simpsons. Skinny, kind of hunched over.

Like this

His hair was scraggly and he had no teeth. He wore a beat-up, fake leather jacket and a pair of paint-spattered pants that he had cuffed into capris.

They were somehow even less sylish and attractive than these

And he seemed to be carrying a plush racoon as a purse.

Just give this guy a strap, apparently.

As if he wasn't weird enough just by appearance, this is what he said over the course of about 3 minutes.
"I'm a trust-fund baby."

"My husband took away all of my quarters."


We are perplexed.

 

It's Mo Monday!

We've been talking about New Years Resolutions and Mo has gotten in on the act. He informs us that he has resolved to raise a mighty animal army in 2015. He's already started the membership drive with this bear.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to you and yours from Spoof, Speck, Lil' Kelly, and Mo.
 

We got Griswolded

Yes, you read that right. We said Griswolded. Remember National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation? How Clark Griswold was planning to use his Christmas bonus to have a pool installed and then found out his "bonus" was a fruit-of-the-month club? (Seriously, if you have no idea what we are talking about, go and watch that movie. You won't regret it.) That totally just happened to us. Almost exactly.

It's left us a little crazed

Here's the set-up:

Every Christmas we get a gift from our Board. Call it a present, a Christmas bonus, whatever. It's always money. Specifically, it's something called Chamber Bucks, which can be used like cash at any Chamber of Commerce business (though it turns out most chamber businesses have never heard of the program and won't accept the bucks, making them significantly less useful than real money. Almost useless really). Usually we receive our bonus in early December. 

This year, around the time of the annual gift delivery (now about two weeks ago), a member of our board dropped off a basket of fruit. In the basket was a single card from the board, thanking us for all our hard work. That was it. No Chamber Bucks. Just a dozen oranges, half a dozen bruised apples, two pears, a couple pounds of grapes, and some cheap chocolate. 

This is a gift?

We were OUTRAGED. Some of us count on that bonus to buy our Christmas dinner (we are significantly underpaid, compared to the industry standards but that's a story for another time).

Our story ends much like Clark's (though without any kidnapping). 

Not that we wouldn't have enjoyed that

We suspect word of our discontent made it back to the board. Because today, out of the blue, a stack of cards showed up to be passed out to the staff. And the cards contained our recently purchased Chamber Bucks.

We concede that it is possible the Board planned to give us the bonus all along, but it seems more likely, given the mistreatment they've dealt in the last year, that they scrambled to appease their angry workers.

 

We are torn between sympathetic and completely creeped out

It's time once again for Stuff Out of Context! Today's line is:

She looks like a sad rat.
 

 

Happy Wagspll!

Saturday marked our annual holiday party. The Spoof and Speck party. It was also the weekend of the Tartarus Winter Cheer Event (barf), but there was no chance we were attending that bucket of idiocy. Instead we had a raucous evening of fun. Events included a gag gift exchange, heckling of Christmas specials, and cookie decorating. We, of course, can do nothing in a traditional manner. Observe some of the cookies we made:

A dying swordsman and the severed head of it's victim

A mustachioed vampire with a severed head

The victim of a rogue ninja

One of our coworkers, stabbed in the eye with a pencil

A lady of the evening, missing half her skull and with a ninja star in her belly

A cannibal and his victim

a child who broke a tooth

Poor Dale didn't know when he went to the beach that an insane swordsman was on the loose.

It's Mo Monday!

We made the mistake of letting Mo watch Christmas movies this weekend. Then, when we took him to the store, he insisted on sitting in this train. No matter what we said, we could not convince him that this was not the Polar Express. He's certain that he will be riding the rails to the North Pole.
 

Your pants are smouldering

As further proof that Opie gets everything, got to do a school visit today. This trip was offered only to Opie even though Opie was not the one most qualified to do it. 

When Opie went to schedule the visit, Spoof told him to contact the school and see what days would work best for them. Then, Opie was to bring the list of dates to Spoof for approval. Three hours later, Opie tramped down to Spoof's work space with a single date in hand. "This is what the school sent me," said Opie.

"Oh," said Spoof. "When did they call you?"

"They didn't call," said Opie.

"So how did they tell you this date?"

Opie wouldn't look Spoof in the eye. "They didn't pick the date. I did. I just sent it to them."

Lie #1 - Apparently Opie doesn't even listen to a word he says

When Spoof double checked the time Opie had scheduled, there was a problem. "Opie, you're supposed to work the desk during that hour."

"I know," said Opie. "I figured you could cover for me."

"I'll be at lunch Opie."

"Oh, so Speck can do it."

"Maybe, Opie. You'll have to ask Speck."

"I'll make sure to do that."

Lie #2 - Opie never even mentioned it to Speck

Before Opie left for the visit today, Speck cornered him to demand some information. After explaining exactly how long he would be gone Opie said, "Usually I'd schedule this visit for a time when I'm not working the desk but this was the only time the school had available."

Lie #3 - See the entire above conversation

To Opie, all we can say is this:

 

 

 

Ho Ho Hog

Christmas season got you down? Tired of the same old Santa stories? In the mood for something new? How's this for a substitute:

The oh so cheery Santamurl

Let Santamurl make your holiday bright. Santamurl brings the best gifts: autographed photos of himself. Let's give tired old Santa Claus the boot. Vote for Santamurl for your new holiday icon.

Spoof and Speck: Didn't we banish you from the Death Stare after that April Fools day incident?

All will bow to the superiority of the Murlhaug! 

Dynamic isn't the word for this duo

It's time once again for Stuff Out of Context! Today's line is:
   
It's the robot alien Abraham Lincoln and the nudie.

 

It just sucks

That's all we have to say about Tartarus today. It just sucks.

It's Mo Monday!

It's that time of year again. Children are frantically writing letters to Santa Claus, begging for the latest and hottest toys. Even Mo has gotten in on the act. We caught him sitting in front of this typewriter, demanding that we explain how to use "this infernal contraption." We don't know what he was planning to ask for but can't have been anything good.
 

Santa, bring me a grand assortment of fresh eyeballs....

What a Grinch

Every year, on December 1, Tartarus gets decorated for the holiday season. This is done after hours by a team of volunteers. And Spoof. Certain areas do not get decorated unless Spoof does it.

It's a lot of work, but totally worth the effort.

Well, this year Spoof was busy on December 1 and couldn't make it to the decorating session. Sure enough, Spoof's areas did not get handled by anyone else. This was not unexpected. What was unexpected was the snarl from the Hutt. "I want those areas taken care of by noon today," said the Hutt.

"Hold on," said Spoof. "I'm busy this morning. I have a program I have to run."

"Oh," snipped the Hutt. "Well fine. You can have until noon tomorrow. Not a second longer. Tomorrow at noon Spider Hero is putting away the decorations. Anything undecorated will have to stay that way."

And your Christmas will self-destruct in a fiery inferno

We'd like to set up some special decorations just for the Hutt.

Don't just give us your time

So, some of our illustrious co-workers have been working on this supposed "fund-raising" project. We use the quotations because in the time they've been working on it they've asked our board of directors and outside groups for starting funds in the thousands but the projected intake of money is a thousand at best. Yeah, it's all pretty moronic.

They're doing some weird math

The latest update involves those requests to outside groups. They sent out hundreds of letters asking for donations. They're being cagey about numbers but it sounds like maybe ten people have answered. So, someone got the bright idea to call all of the people, organizations, and businesses who have not donated. "To follow up with them," we heard. Basically, to try and guilt them into giving some money. And our co-workers feel they are too busy to make these calls themselves. They'd like to have volunteers, who don't really understand this fund-raiser at all, make the calls for them. Today they asked a lady to make calls for them.

"Sure, I could do that," she said. "Let me just finish this project then point me to the phone you want me to use."

"Oh, no," said Opie, "you can't do it here. You can't tie up our phone line. You need to finish your volunteer shift here then use your own phone at home."

The worst part? She agreed.

Swat that pest

Friday and Saturday are not a whole week

Instruction from the Hutt today: For the month of December, employees may wear jeans on Fridays and Saturdays. If you wear jeans either day you are expected to donate $2 per day, or an equivalent amount of food, to a local food bank.

-Note from Spoof and Speck: this is the same policy that we follow every December. The instruction is more of a reminder than a new idea.

Reply from Zebra: Hey, that's a good deal. If I pay $10 I can wear jeans all week!

-Second note from Spoof and Speck: Zebra has worked here for nearly a year and a half. He was present last December. He's heard these instructions before. We have no idea what happened to his brain since then.
 

We suspect his brain is riddled with worms.

It's Mo Monday!

We spied Mo inside a car with this little plastic squirrel. He was calling the toy his "apprentice". When asked if the little squirrel would be eating faces, Mo replied that it "wasn't quite ready for the big leagues. It might be best to start him out nibbling on some fingers and toes."

What is wrong with you people

Tartarus does a fund-raiser every December. Previous years, this has been called Wish Stars. We have a bulletin board that gets covered in paper stars. Patrons purchase a star, thereby fulfilling a wish. Cheesy, sure. But it all makes a kind of sense.

Not this year. Of course not. This year Turtle took over (Wish Stars always used to be Spoof's responsibility). Turtle thought stars were confusing. "Let's do presents and ornaments," said Turtle. "Presents for one department, ornaments for the other. Much better than stars."

Yeah. Okay. Whatever you say.

We'd like to pause the story here to inform you that Tartarus has always been under strict instructions not to be holiday specific. No holiday greetings for this crew. No special holiday displays. Certainly nothing Christmas. Had Spoof or Speck suggested this change it would have resulted in a sound scolding. Turtle on the other hand was praised for this "innovative" idea.

Just before Thanksgiving Turtle and Spoof were put to work putting up the bulletin board. As they posted it they had a discussion about what to call this new version of the fund raiser. "We can't call it Wish Stars anymore," said Spoof. "They aren't stars."

"Oh, but wish ornaments and presents is too long," said Turtle. "Hmmmm. I suppose we could call it Wish Stars With New Shapes."

And no amount of arguing could convince Turtle that was  a bad idea. In fact, everyone but Spoof and Speck praised this new name. We are dumbstruck.

Happy Thanksgiving

Spoof and Speck would like to wish you and your family and friends a very happy Thanksgiving.

 

A most unusual shopping trip

It's time for another Stuff Out of Context! Today's line is:
Oh, I forgot I had that squirrel in my bag.

 

Now Spoof is invisible too

A couple of weeks ago Turtle and Spoof were assigned to work on a project together. Neither of them were particularly happy about it. Spoof can't stand Turtle, thinks she's the most disgusting, annoying person on the planet. Turtle is, apparently, terrified of Spoof. So, instead of finding a time when they could work together, Turtle assigned half of the project to Spoof and vanished to do her half. And then drove us crazy by trotting out of her office every ten minutes to update Spoof on what she was doing, waiting for pats on the back and getting incredibly offended any time Spoof suggested improvements.

The whole project culminated in a display. Today they put up said display. While passing by, Opie stopped to stare at it. "Oh Turtle," exclaimed Opie, "I loved what you've done with this right hand side. It's so innovative, so fantastic, so adorable. You have the most amazing ideas."

"Actually," said Turtle, "Spoof did the right side. I did this left side."

Ohhhhhh......

"Well," stumbled Opie. "Well, it looks good anyway Turtle." 

And that was it. Opie skipped off without even acknowledging Spoof.

'cause that won't enrage someone at all.

We don't expect Opie to be Spoof's best friend but it would be nice to have hard work recognized.

It's Mo Monday!

We made the mistake yesterday of telling Mo about Thanksgiving. He's been demanding "a grand feast" ever since. No matter what we do we can't make him understand that he has to wait until Thursday. It's going to be a long three days.
 

We can't even begin to guess where he got the high chair.

Yeah, we're lazy.

Today is a total cop-out post. We can admit that. There is no humor in our anger fueled bodies this week. Instead, we share some of our favorite funny stuff from the internet. These folks can entertain you in our stead.

The Bloggess
Seriously, if you've never heard of this lady where have you been. And you have no idea what you have been missing. Just go take a look. There are no words for her awesomeness.
The Bloggess 

Glove and Boots
Internet puppetry at it's best. This is one of our favorite videos, though they are all pretty darn awesome.

A Very Potter Musical
If you like Harry Potter (or probably if you hate Harry Potter) and have a sense of humor, check out this musical written and produced by college students. They've since made other musicals worth checking out as well.

Nimona
This darkly humorous webcomic  features everything you've ever loved about print comics. Plus, it's coming to print in the spring. For now, though, you can read the full adventure at this link.
Nimona   

The best use for a vacuum

Grow up, Turtle

Yesterday the Powers That Be sent some of us from Tartarus to a conference. The whole thing was a colossal waste of time and money, but that's not the point of this story. No, what stuck with us from the day happened at lunch.

We ended up at a lunch table with Turtle. If you've joined us before and read a Turtle story you know this is likely to be disgusting. Now, this conference didn't feed us via buffet table. No, our meals were ordered in advance and delivered by waiters. Turtle was the first person at our table to get food. She immediately began to eat, stuffing huge messy bites into her massive maw. 

With just that crazy of a look in her eye

Then our waiter came around with desserts. Much like the sides, desserts were determined by your meal choice. One person at our table got chocolate mousse. Turtle's meal came with 2 churros and a dish of chocolate dipping sauce (it was a south-western sort of deal). Turtle was incredibly putout. "Why does he get a chocolate thing and I get stupid fried crap," Turtle proclaimed loudly. This would be embaressing enough in a general conference setting, not to mention at this particular conference where there was a speaker during the meal. 

I want what I want! Give me his!

As if that weren't enough, someone offered to trade desserts with Turtle. After not even saying thanks, Turtle scarfed down the new dessert in three incredibly disgusting bites involving a lot of licking and lip smacking. Then, in just ten minutes, she consumed eight mini candy bars and a granola bar.

That's got to be the whole story, right? If only.

Fast forward an hour and a half. After a short session there was time scheduled to visit with vendors. There was also a snack buffet. Upon seeing the spread of cookies Turtle loudly proclaimed, "At last! Real dessert!"

 

It's Mo Monday!

Ever spend your weekend baking? We've been known to do so on occasion. There's something about the weekend that begs for cake, pie, or other baked treats. Yesterday we were putting together a pan of brownies. When we went to put it in the oven, though. We were met with an unpleasant surprise.

No matter how we begged, we couldn't get Mo to get out of the oven. No brownies for us that day.