All about turtles

Did you know that today is World Turtle Day? No doubt, the intent of this day is to encourage turtle conservation. A noble cause of course, but if you've followed this blog much you know that Turtle means something entirely different to us.

something like this

Tragically, this likely marks the end of our Turtle posts. The Turtle no longer works for Tartarus! (More on that Tuesday). This shocking news comes at a most inopportune time. We had a whole slew of ideas about the Turtle, not the least of which was the fact that Turtle and Zebra have been dating. We planned to market their progeny as a disturbing new pet.

behold the almighty zurtle

Instead we are taking this opportunity to say goodbye and good riddance to the turtle. May you sicken someone else for a change.

Gross, Turtle. Just Gross.

There was some catered event at Tartarus, headed by the Hutt, last night. That is literally all we know about it. Even though it was directly related to the future of Tartarus, none of the staff was invited. All we know is they invited 80 people and maybe 30, most of whom are already directly involved in Tartarus leadership in some way, attended. So there was food left.

As a semi-pleasant change of pace, the staff was actually invited to have some of the left-overs. So, we tried some of it. We, meaning Spoof and Speck, thought the food was mediocre at best. Our co-workers didn't seem to agree. Zebra kept raving about how wonderful it was. 

We can only assume Turtle felt the same. This is a list of what we know Turtle ate in the course of a single day, not to mention whatever might have been consumed at lunch when Turtle left the building:

• at least 4 chocolate dipped macaroons
• at least 4 lemon squares
• somewhere between 7 and 11 pieces of spanokopita
• at least 3-5 pieces of baguette with roast beef and horseradish sauce
• an undetermined quantity of jumbo shrimp (we're thinking at least 10) and chicken skewers (probably the same)

 

How can you eat all that?

 

We never asked to be invited

Ever find something out and wish you could have remained ignorant? 

We've recently been made aware that there is a Tartarus employee group chat ongoing on Facebook. Apparently our coworkers have formed a sort of supper club. They go out to some local restaurant, drink too much, and talk about work. We have never been invited.

Honestly, we don't care that much. We made the mistake of going out with some coworkers a couple of years ago and it was an embarrassing disaster.

The only reason we know about the new supper club is because of recent staff addition Pterry. When Pterry was invited to join the chat she asked why we were not included. Turtle, who had started the group, replied "they never go to anything extra anyway. I suppose someone else can invite them if they want. I won't."

Several conversations later, someone did add us. No one seemed to realize that we would be able to see the entire conversation, including the suggestions that we remain excluded.

We don't want to be a part of their stupid supper club. We don't want to spend any more time with those idiots than we have to. What angers us is the blatant exclusion.

And after all of that, we've been asked repeatedly if we will be attending the next event. "It will be so much fun," they say.

 

What is wrong with you people

Tartarus does a fund-raiser every December. Previous years, this has been called Wish Stars. We have a bulletin board that gets covered in paper stars. Patrons purchase a star, thereby fulfilling a wish. Cheesy, sure. But it all makes a kind of sense.

Not this year. Of course not. This year Turtle took over (Wish Stars always used to be Spoof's responsibility). Turtle thought stars were confusing. "Let's do presents and ornaments," said Turtle. "Presents for one department, ornaments for the other. Much better than stars."

Yeah. Okay. Whatever you say.

We'd like to pause the story here to inform you that Tartarus has always been under strict instructions not to be holiday specific. No holiday greetings for this crew. No special holiday displays. Certainly nothing Christmas. Had Spoof or Speck suggested this change it would have resulted in a sound scolding. Turtle on the other hand was praised for this "innovative" idea.

Just before Thanksgiving Turtle and Spoof were put to work putting up the bulletin board. As they posted it they had a discussion about what to call this new version of the fund raiser. "We can't call it Wish Stars anymore," said Spoof. "They aren't stars."

"Oh, but wish ornaments and presents is too long," said Turtle. "Hmmmm. I suppose we could call it Wish Stars With New Shapes."

And no amount of arguing could convince Turtle that was  a bad idea. In fact, everyone but Spoof and Speck praised this new name. We are dumbstruck.

Now Spoof is invisible too

A couple of weeks ago Turtle and Spoof were assigned to work on a project together. Neither of them were particularly happy about it. Spoof can't stand Turtle, thinks she's the most disgusting, annoying person on the planet. Turtle is, apparently, terrified of Spoof. So, instead of finding a time when they could work together, Turtle assigned half of the project to Spoof and vanished to do her half. And then drove us crazy by trotting out of her office every ten minutes to update Spoof on what she was doing, waiting for pats on the back and getting incredibly offended any time Spoof suggested improvements.

The whole project culminated in a display. Today they put up said display. While passing by, Opie stopped to stare at it. "Oh Turtle," exclaimed Opie, "I loved what you've done with this right hand side. It's so innovative, so fantastic, so adorable. You have the most amazing ideas."

"Actually," said Turtle, "Spoof did the right side. I did this left side."

Ohhhhhh......

"Well," stumbled Opie. "Well, it looks good anyway Turtle." 

And that was it. Opie skipped off without even acknowledging Spoof.

'cause that won't enrage someone at all.

We don't expect Opie to be Spoof's best friend but it would be nice to have hard work recognized.

Grow up, Turtle

Yesterday the Powers That Be sent some of us from Tartarus to a conference. The whole thing was a colossal waste of time and money, but that's not the point of this story. No, what stuck with us from the day happened at lunch.

We ended up at a lunch table with Turtle. If you've joined us before and read a Turtle story you know this is likely to be disgusting. Now, this conference didn't feed us via buffet table. No, our meals were ordered in advance and delivered by waiters. Turtle was the first person at our table to get food. She immediately began to eat, stuffing huge messy bites into her massive maw. 

With just that crazy of a look in her eye

Then our waiter came around with desserts. Much like the sides, desserts were determined by your meal choice. One person at our table got chocolate mousse. Turtle's meal came with 2 churros and a dish of chocolate dipping sauce (it was a south-western sort of deal). Turtle was incredibly putout. "Why does he get a chocolate thing and I get stupid fried crap," Turtle proclaimed loudly. This would be embaressing enough in a general conference setting, not to mention at this particular conference where there was a speaker during the meal. 

I want what I want! Give me his!

As if that weren't enough, someone offered to trade desserts with Turtle. After not even saying thanks, Turtle scarfed down the new dessert in three incredibly disgusting bites involving a lot of licking and lip smacking. Then, in just ten minutes, she consumed eight mini candy bars and a granola bar.

That's got to be the whole story, right? If only.

Fast forward an hour and a half. After a short session there was time scheduled to visit with vendors. There was also a snack buffet. Upon seeing the spread of cookies Turtle loudly proclaimed, "At last! Real dessert!"

 

Send the Turtle back to Preschool

So, when you approach a door you need to go through and someone is in your way, what do you do?

Excuse me, cat. I need to get through.

That's right. You are polite, say excuse me, and wait for the person to move. Apparently Turtle missed that lesson in Preschool. When Turtle "needed" to get through the door that Spoof was trying to lock, Turtle responded by shoving Spoof out of the way snarling "I need to get out right away."

Turtle needs this book

Maybe it's just us but we thought manners were a part of everyday life, especially in a business setting.
 

Turtle and food part 2

Yesterday we told you how Turtle ate half a pan of Cheese Danish desert in a single sitting. And how we wanted to barf. We thought there was nothing else to say about Turtle's food obsession. Clearly, we were wrong.

Today Turtle brought cookies to share with everyone. And by "cookies" we don't mean a whole pan. No, to our best estimation Turtle brought 4 cookies and broke them into pieces so everyone could have a taste. So, 1 Turtle gets half the desert brought for everyone. 12 staff members get little cookie chunks. Does this math make any sense to anyone?

More danish! MORE DANISH!

 

Now I only brought 4 so you'll all have to share.

If you have a weak stomach you may wish to rejoin us tomorrow

We have discovered that the co-worker we call Turtle is aptly named. Consider the following story.

This week Shoes brought a desert to our staff meeting, a cheese danish style treat. While we watched, Turtle ate 7 of the 16 servings.
Curious, we looked up the recipe for this desert. It includes 2 tubes of crescent rolls and 2 packages of cream cheese (along with sugar, eggs, that kind of thing).

Doesn't everyone eat an entire tube of crescent rolls with a block of cream cheese in under 30 minutes?

Now, you're probably asking yourselves what any of this has to do with turtles. Recent research has taught us that some pet turtles will eat themselves to death given constant access to food. This seems like a real possibility for Turtle.

Turtle is disgusting

We have a co-worker we often refer to as Turtle. The name is a little hard to explain. What you need to know is that anytime there is food, Turtle is the first one to take some. And the first to come back for more. If there are cookies, Turtle will start with three and come back repeatedly. We were given muffins once. Big, bakery muffins. Turtle ate 6.

Lately, Turtle has taken to rummaging for food in the staff room. If it is anywhere other than you locker, Turtle thinks it is fair game. Today, walking into the staff room, we found Turtle hurriedly slamming the lid back on a tin. A tin that was labeled for a program. While scampering away, Turtle paused and picked up something off the floor. "Ooops," said Turtle, "run away chocolate chip."

And then she ate it.

Off the floor.

Which gets properly cleaned once a year.

And always smells of a peculiar combination of chemicals and filthy feet. And occasionally of dead mice.

ATE IT OFF THAT FLOOR.

Our reaction

 

Turtle