That's enough time, right?

At Tartarus, our major policies go through a review policy once a year. Mostly, this involves just reaffirming the standing policy, maybe with a few little tweaks. Not this time. Oh no. One of our major policies went through a massive change. We're talking going from 4 pages to 14. Huge difference. 

We knew the policy change was coming. We've been talking about possible changes since June. The actual policy review happened in December. At that point we were told "The new policy has been approved with some changes." 

Okay, we said, what are the changes. 

"When I get the finalized policy I'll pass it on to you," said the Hutt. And then we heard nothing. 

This Tuesday we were given the first page of the new policy with the reminder that it goes into effect February 1st and told "I'll be emailing you a copy later and get you the hard copy sometime." Now, we're not math majors but by our count that gave us 3 days (very busy days for most of us, no less) to learn a brand new policy. And then we were told not to print the new policy because it would be a waste of paper. So, learn this policy when you have several hours to sit around and read your email. 

Yeah, I'll get right on that.

 
The worst part? The new policy is completely incomprehensible. We asked the Hutt and Shoes for some clarification. They couldn't answer any of our questions. Accordingly, we've asked our Board of Directors to give an extension on the policy. We were told that we should have raised our questions sooner (on a policy we have only just seen?) and that they would think about it. It's now Friday and we have no answer. 

Why do we even try

And that is why we hate Tartarus.

Does it make you feel special?

You know that person who delights in knowing something that other people don't? Yeah, we work with three of them. 

The Hutt and Shoes are forever talking around a subject just so they can see everyone's awkwardness as we sit and listen to them. The worst part is sometimes they forget that they've never actually explained what they are talking about. For example, several months ago they started going to something called MUNIS training. Every week, we heard how they had MUNIS training on such and such a day. Neither of them ever explained what MUNIS was. A couple of months later we had this conversation. 
Hutt: Don't you know we have to do that through MUNIS now?
Us: No. You never told us that.
Hutt: -huff and eye roll-
And then the Hutt walked away, still not explaining MUNIS. Even now we have no idea what it is other than in has something to do with money.

How shall we make people feel dumb today, Shoes?

But this post isn't about them. It's about Mork. Mork is a master of over-using technical terms. To be fair, we don't think this comes from a malicious place. Mork genuinely does know more about the technical side of the business and can't seem to help but use all of these terms without explanation. The ability to gloat about it is just a bonus. 

This happened today. We were talking about an upcoming event involving some middle schoolers. After repeatedly refering to them as "small children" (call them that to their faces, Mork. We dare you) Mork announced the intention to introduce them to a database. "It might be a little over their heads," said Mork with a knowing look, "but it's an EBSCO database so it will work with all the other EBSCO systems." 

Now, we had two choices. We could have admitted that we had no idea what that meant and let Mork preach at us for half an hour. We took the easy route, nodded sagely, and said "Yes, that is an excellent idea. EBSCO systems are so easy to use. Much better than those other databases."

That's a real thing, right? Please let that make sense.

So let that be a lesson to you all. Never assume people know all the technical terms. Unless you are a jerk.

Repeat after me: A clown will not bite me and throw me in the basement

This may be one of the more terrifying paintings we've featured here. When we plotted this particular painting out it seemed like a good idea. It wasn't until the paint started to dry that we realized just how frightening it was.

He may well be related to Pennywise

Isn't that weird - Dreams

Today, we bring you a new feature that will be showing up occasionally here on Falling Down the Death Stare. We call it Isn't That Weird. In this feature we'll just be sharing weird things, not necessarily Tartarus related.

You know what's weird? Dreams. Your friends Spoof and Speck are known to have some truly bizarre dreams. Just the other day, Speck dreamt about a woman who was made of pie (the woman looked normal-she just asserted that she was in fact made of pie). The subject of this post, though, is Spoof. This weekend Spoof had a dream about work. In the dream, Spoof found a section of carpet covered in broken glass. Trying to be helpful, Spoof knelt down and began to clean up the safety hazard. Then the Hutt swooped in and started yelling "Put that back! Muffin spent a long time laying that glass out." 

"It's not safe," said Spoof. 

"I don't care. Muffin thought it looked nice. It's very sparkly. The kids will like it."

Don't know about you, but it made us think of this classic SNL skit.

The weirdest part? While the broken glass would never happen, the reaction seemed pretty typical of Tartarus.

It's Mo Monday!

We knew Mo was rabid, murderous, and cocky. Today, we learned something else about him.

Thoroughly modern Mo

Mo is quite comfortable with technology. Just look at him using that computer. He could probably teach us a thing or two.

Brrrr! It's cold in there

This has been a particularly cold winter for Tartarus, made even more so by the fact that our boiler is being problematic. (Remember the day of no heat ?) Whatever caused the boiler to quit that day has been happening again. Like, every day this week. Like at least four times before noon today.

We've been working like this a lot.

Poor Spider Hero has been coming in early and staying late, trying to deal with the problem. He got called in one day at 2am and had to stay for a 12 hour shift, all with no thanks from the Hutt. Finally, today, they called in an "expert" to check things over. This is what we heard.

      Some part is making the heat sensor trigger off the glow of the pilot light. It will continue to happen until the boiler gets fixed.

      There is a leak in the oil line.

      Our boiler is lacking a necessary (like the guy has no idea how we passed our safety inspection) safety valve.

      The Hutt was more concerned with the cost of the valve (60 bucks) than the possibility of oil spraying all over the boiler room.

      The boiler guy doesn't care. He is installing the part anyway.

All together, this means that a) Tartarus will continue to be insanely cold b) the Hutt does not care about our safety c) we feel really, really bad for Spider Hero.

Please, no more late nights for Spider Hero

Bear right, killer whale

It's time once again for one of our favorite features: stuff out of context.

Today's line is: I think Shamu went down the wrong throat.

If only he'd had that handy sign

It's Mo Tuesday!

What's this? Another day of Mo? Yes, you read that right. Today happens to be national squirrel appreciation day. So, to recognize and appreciate our squirrel frenemy (and maybe convince him we are friends, not meals) we thought we'd share some extra Mo photos with you. Enjoy!

 

 

How have you appreciated squirrels today?

It's Mo Monday!

We were at an event for kids this weekend. While there we saw this cute line of stuffed animals sitting on a shelf.

Do you spy what we spy on the left?

Mo snuck in! We don't know who he was after but believe us, it sure put a damper on the festivities.

In which Spoof and Speck don't talk about work!

You know what bugs us? Commercials for excercise equipment. We're really supposed to believe these people lost like a hundred pounds in four months "just by using this machine"? We're supposed to just take the word of some stranger who we're not sure we believe actually used the equipment in question?

What makes her so trustworthy? And who looks that happy while exercising?

Recently, after seeing one of those commercials, we had the following conversation:

lady-on-commercial "I'm a tread climber believer!"
Speck "'I'm a tread climber believer (said in a squeaky, mocking voice).' I think I'm a tread climber skeptic."
Spoof "I'm a tread climber agnostic. I'd like to believe there is some equipment out there that works. I'm just not sure what one."

And then we fell over laughing. If you are like our friend who witnessed this interchange, you will not find this nearly as funny as we did. Still, we stand by our joke.

We'd exercise with Richard Simmons if it meant we got to hang out with a California Raisin!

 

It's the end of the world!

This morning, we were working at the main desk with Zebra. It was very quiet. Out of nowhere, we heard this loud, weird beeping. A few minutes later Zebra said, "Did you hear that weird noise?" 
Speck said, "You mean that scary beeping noise?" 
Zebra gave this weird look. "It wasn't that scary." 
Said Speck, "No, I know. I call all beeping scary. It's a joke." 

Seriously, we tend to make these kinds of faces when there are weird noises.

Zebra just sat there for a minute, staring. Finally he gave Speck a 'boy, you're dumb' kind of look.

You've all read the Zebra posts. You tell us: Who's the dumb one?

One to beam, Scotty

Have you missed our paintings? We have. It's been a few weeks since we shared one with you. This one is a doozy.

Do you suppose she's beaming up or down?

 

Listen up, Shoes

Everyone eavesdrops on occasion. Even if you don't do it intentionally, you occasionally listen in on someone else's conversation. Most of us have the good manners to try and disguise our nosiness. Shoes is not one of those people. Shoes has a tendency to stop working and lean a little towards the people who are talking. Shoes seems to want to know everything that is happening in the building at all times.

With ears like this, Shoes could hear everything.

Sometimes we think it would be fun to start some kind of rumor with Shoes around, to see how far it gets. So, here's our question for you: What rumor should we start? What would be funny to hear our coworkers speculate about? Leave your ideas in the comments. We'll pick our favorite in February.

It's Mo Monday

Coming home from work today, Speck found a package on the doorstep. Not having ordered anything, it was a bit of a mystery.

Hope it's something good

Speck should have known better. This is what Speck found inside.

 
The box was barely open when Mo jumped in Speck's face! That squirrel is getting very tricky.

Shades are tricky things

For whatever reason, the windows in Tartarus are equipped with roller shades. Why not blinds, you ask? We haven't the slightest clue. All we know is we have shades. And each shade has one of those silly string shade pulls.

You know, these things.

Anyone who has ever used pulls like these knows that occasionally the string breaks. It shouldn't be a surprise. It's only string after all. There's a reason they sell them in packs of 25. In a public place like Tartarus they break more often. 

"Spoof and Speck," you are saying, "this is really boring. I don't care at all about shade pulls." Ah, friends, you should care. Just listen to this.

The other day, our friend Opie was wandering around closing shades. Opie came back to the desk and said to Spacey, "Um, excuse me. I need some help. The shade-pully-thingy just broke. How do I close the shade without it?" 

It took two of them to figure out how to close the shade without the pull! The windows in Tartarus are not that high. The edge of the shade should be in everyone's reach. All we could do was stare at them, dumbfounded.

We're afraid if we leave them alone, this is what will happen.

Too casual?

It's the return of your new favorite segment, Stuff out of Context. Our line today is:

Wear a pantsuit, you fool.

We think the blond is a bit of a slacker.

Join us soon for more Stuff out of Context.

Feel the love

Tartarus, like most of the country, has been experiencing some awful weather lately. Most recently we've had that super cold (we're talking seriously subzero) for two days. Then today was pouring rain. All of the local school closed, the roads were so icy. Tartarus, of course, was open as usual. When we were gathered at the main desk before we opened, the Hutt gave us the following talk:

"If people call in to say they can't come in because of the ice, go ahead and extend their deadlines by a week or two. Do whatever overrides you need to do. I know we don't normally do this, but I'm very worried about people trying to get in here. It's dangerous out there. Coming here just isn't worth it."

Don't get us wrong. We aren't cold-hearted. We totally agree that Tartarus is not worth traveling unsafe roads. We were hoping everyone would stay home. Our problem is, if it was so unsafe for patrons to be out how was it safe for staff? Some members of our staff travel half and hour or more to get to Tartarus, one along roads that were some of the worst after this last storm. Wouldn't it have made sense to keep everyone home if it was so dangerous?

It was too icy for people, though we guess there might have been penguins anxious to get to Tartarus.

 
Clearly the Hutt does not care about staff. Need more proof? Just this last weekend the heat went out overnight in Tartarus. When we got to work, temperatures in the building were below 50 degrees. Did the Hutt shut things down? Of course not. We didn't open for business until temperatures started to rise because "it was too cold to open to the public". Meanwhile, staff members were instructed to work in the closed building with their coats on. Again, too dangerous for patrons but okay for staff.

What a guy! What a hat!

When you work with the public, you meet all kinds. Today we bring you a story of one of those kinds.

Since it's winter, people have been coming in to Tartarus wearing hats. This, in and of itself, is not noteworthy. We see lots of hats. This one fellow came up to the desk and from the first glance something about him seemed off but we couldn't quite figure out what. Then, we noticed the hat. Remember, this was a middle aged, seemingly normal, man. And he was wearing a hat like this:

 Now, is it just us or is this most definitely a lady's hat? 

It was hilarious! We could not look at the guy (or at each other) without laughing. The image of this guy wearing this ridiculous hat has so captured our attention that we've written a little song about it.

The guy in the lady hat (to be sung to a jaunty sitcom tune)

What's this? What's that?
See him there, he's having a chat.
Who's this dingbat?
It's the guy in the lady hat!

He'd probably dance around like this.

 

It's Mo Monday

We've found what is bound to be Mo's favorite sculpture of all time. Look at that face, that pose. It was made for Mo.

He really seems to like it.