Do whatever you want

Before we can tell you today's story you need a little explanation of Tartarus scheduling. Tartarus is open late two days a week. Those evenings we operate with pretty much a skeleton crew, just enough that no one has to be alone at the main desk. These numbers go up a little in the summer to cope with increased traffic.

And now you're all falling asleep

We tell you all of that so we can tell you this.

Now that our summer crew has been hired, the Hutt has put out our summer schedule. All of the summer staff is working one night. Yes, you read that correctly. The night that Speck works there is no extra staff. Bear in mind, the night with all the staff has no more programs than the other. Yet there are literally twice as many people working that night. Does this make sense to any of you? Because we think it is completely ridiculous.

 

Sure. Come whenever you please

We knew that it wouldn't be long after the Hutt's return to Tartarus before things got ridiculous again. Sure enough, we got a message from the Hutt today. We will have new summer help tomorrow. Maybe. The Hutt emailed new employee Fanta yesterday but has not heard back yet. And if Fanta did not email a reply this morning, the Hutt was considering calling this afternoon.

Only considering it?

When we asked what kind of schedule Fanta would be working, we were told that when Fanta comes in, then Shoes and the Hutt will sit down with her and figure out her schedule.
 
We have never been allowed to have any say in our schedules. We wonder who Fanta knows that she gets to dictate when she will work.

The moment we realized that Fanta is already a muffin

Not digging for gold

Yay for things out of context! Enjoy!

Today's line is:
It's like an ostrich mine.
 

It's Mo Tuesday

Did anyone else watch Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys on Animal Planet this weekend? We did and it was awesome. We took the advice of everyone's favorite killer squirrel, Rabid Mo. When he was chasing us through the park on Friday, he hissed that we should watch it. We had a grand time. Mo, on the other hand, didn't seem to like it as much. Ever since Sunday, we've found him hiding not so he could attack us but for fear of lampreys.

No lampreys in this cupboard.

What's wrong with you, Zebra

This morning we were working with Zebra. Now, Zebra has this bad habit of A) mumbling everything so people can't understand him and B) not addressing his questions to anyone in particular but simply asking the air and expecting someone to answer. So of course, that's what he did today. We were discussing plans for the day when we heard Zebra say something.

"What," we said.

Zebra, instead of simply raising his voice took about three steps closer and in the same mumbling whisper said, "is it pronounced 'em-blay-zun' or 'em-bluh-zone'?"

Is he kidding? He doesn't seem to be kidding.

Rolling our eyes, we told him in a very flat voice, "it's em-blay-zun."
 
Not catching our sarcasm at all, Zebra went on to say something along the lines of "Yeah, then you'd have people going around asking where the embluh zone was. Ha Ha ha."

We are not amused.

Pass me the bug spray

Like most workplaces, Tartarus has a pretty clear order of command. The problem is, most of our coworkers flout that at every turn. Take Mosquito. Mosquito is a subordinate of Spoof. Yet, at every turn, Mosquito goes over Spoof's head to the Hutt. And the Hutt lets this happen.

We want to squash it

Today, the Mosquito sent a series of emails to the Hutt, ccing Spoof (only because there was a nasty confrontation about that about six months ago), begging for a schedule change for tomorrow. The Hutt agreed to the change if Mosquito could find someone to cover some morning responsibilities. Mosquito immediately replied with "Spoof agreed to do it. Thanks Spoof!" 

This would be all well and good if Spoof had actually agreed to do so. In fact, Spoof was never even asked. 

How does Mosquito think that's okay?

 

Served up on a silver platters

Its a little hard to tell, but that's an apple in it's mouth.

Cuddle time

The Hutt is away from Tartarus this week. Allow us to pause for a moment to do a happy dance.

Even with the Hutt away, we can't escape its influence. Just today we noticed a list written in the Hutt's handwriting on Spider Hero's cupboard door. It was a to do list. Most of the items were weirdly specific and nitpicky. "Clean my office." "Vacuum the balcony." "Wipe down the window shades." You know, stuff that Spider Hero would do anyway or that don't really need to be done.

And then there was the last item on the list. We swear it said "time off for hugs." What in the world does that mean? It has been pointed out that "hugs" might actually be "rugs." Still, that seem an odd instruction.

Lots and lots of hugs

 

It's Mo Monday!

If anyone knows danger, it is the source of danger himself. Mo is likely an expert in everything dangerous. So, when we spied him in front of this wet floor sign, we knew to be cautious. Unless, of course, he was luring us to a secluded place so he could attack us....

Mo knows danger

Incidentally, have you ever seen a pink wet floor sign before? That was a new one for us.

We might as well be Weird Al

We haven't done one of these for a while. It's a Spoof and Speck song! If you recall, we wanted to write a song about Beuller using the phrase "I've got the really bad sicks." 

First, the source song. "We've got the beat" by the Go Gos.

And here's our version. Feel free to sing along to the video using our lyrics.

"I've got the sicks"

Alarm clock rings, I shake my weary head
I don't feel like getting out of bed
Pick up the phone, fake a tired groan
Get my boss on the line

I've got the sicks
I've got the sicks
I've got the sicks, bad
I've got the sicks!

The sun is out and I'm stuck insided
I miss the beach, my best friend at my side
Flip-flops on my feet, music on repeat
I've got to get out

I've got the sicks
I've got the sicks
I've got the sicks, bad
I've got the sicks!

There's a book I really want to read
A marathon on my tv
I partied way too late last night
My wirk it leaves me bored
 
I've got the sicks
I've got the sicks
I've got the sicks, bad
I've got the sicks!



Let us know what you think


 

Emphasis on the donkey

So honestly, friends, do you love Stuff Out of Context or does it annoy you? We're going to continue to post these (we think they're hilarious) but we'd still like to know your opinion.

On with this week's line:

It's donkey cold!

Poor frozen donkey, shivering with that big ole icicle on his nose.

What are we?

Remember on Friday when we told you about the hateful photograph that Speck was forced to take? And we spent the day feeling like this?

Feel the rage

We really didn't think things could get any worse. You'd think we'd have learned by now. At Tartarus things can always get worse.

The accursed photo has been posted on the company website with the caption "The Tartarus staff recently completed their voluntary certification. Congratulations staff!" Is it just us or does that imply that the photo contains the entire staff? So, if we aren't staff, what are we?

Peasants?

Servants?

Pathetic captives?

 

It's Mo Monday!

With the warmer weather, people have brought out their classic cars and are spending the weekends cruising around. We spied this duo going for a drive on Sunday.

Talk about an odd couple.

If we were Garfield, we'd be concerned about what kind of picnic Mo had planned.

How dare they

In the time that we've been blogging here, we've raged about a lot of stupid stuff that has happened at Tartarus. What happened today, though, might just take the prize.

First, a little bit of background. This winter all Tartarus employees were "challenged" to all take this voluntary certification. It's a two year program. The Hutt asked us all to get it done by summer. Nonsense, right? The thing is, most of our coworkers were frothing at the mouth to get it done. They used all of their time away from the desk and most of their personal time to take these foolish online classes. Personally, we think there are better uses of our time. Our coworkers, on the other hand, are insanely proud of their stupid certificates.

So, today, Speck got cornered by the Hutt in the morning. "We need you to takes some photos at 4," the Hutt said. That's it. No "did you have anything you needed to do then" or even an explanation of what the photos should be. 

Personally, we thought the flower gardens were worth a photograph or two

Meanwhile, Spoof was told absolutely nothing about the photographs. 

Fast forward to 4 o'clock. Speck was dealing with a clogged toilet situation. All of our co-workers disappeared, leaving Spoof to deal with the desk entirely alone. No one said anything to Speck. No "hey, it's 4." They sat there, posed with their certificates, and waited. Then acted annoyed when Speck did make it over to take the moronic photo.

Lest you think we are overreacting, know that this was on top of a day filled with annoyances and inconsiderate acts. To top it off, when it became clear that we were unhappy with what had transpired we got 1) the explanation that Shoes and the Hutt hadn't decided to take this photo. It was Ernie's idea. (We said if they knew it was wrong to exclude us they should have said they would wait) and 2) the hollow resolution that there would be another photo taken when we get our certification. Neither of which offsets what they did today.

The rage is building

 

No frontsies, no backsies

This story happened a few weeks ago but it is so ridiculous that we keep telling it and it never gets old.

We were at a conference. After our morning sessions we made our way back to the main room for lunch. We got there a little early so things weren't set up yet. A line quickly formed. For once, we were actually towards the start of the line. 

Winners!

Now, we go to this conference every year. And every year, while waiting in line for the lunch buffet, we gripe about the huge number of people who cut in the line. We thought maybe because we were toward the front, we wouldn't notice as much cutting this year. 

Not so.

As we waited for the doors to open a couple of ladies pushed past us. "We're not cutting," they said as they shoved their way to the front, "we're just going to stand up here towards the front." And how is that not cutting?

The whole thing was so ridiculous that we kept repeating it. Ad nauseum. Until the guy who was legitimately standing in front of us turned around and laughed.

Life is weird. Might as well laugh.

Look out below!

How long will they play along?

If you recall, last week we told you about our new coworker Bueller. (Here's the link if you missed it) We suspected that we'd have more stories of "illness" from Bueller. Sure enough, today we heard a doozie.

Bueller left a message on the voice mail this morning. This is a direct quote, near as we can recall. "I can't come in right away this morning. I'm going to the doctor because I'm still getting the sicks, really bad. I might be in after the doctor or I might be late or I might not be in or I might just be late."

The sicks?

We just can't figure that one out. What in the world are the sicks? We went around the rest of the day chanting "I've got the really bad sicks." We think it should be a song. If you have any recommendations of songs we could rewrite using the words "I've got the really bad sicks" we'd love to hear it. Leave your suggestions in the comments.

It's Mo Monday!

You've gone out to eat at your favorite restaurant. The waitress brings out your burger and fries. Delightful. You reach for the ketchup and bam! you find a squirrel gnawing on your fingers.  

Ketchup seasons flesh nicely, says Mo.

Soooo Sick

Ah yes. Another new Tartarus employee. This one is summer help. Started work in April, for some reason. Working until some as yet undisclosed date.

So, our newbie started work last week and has been scheduled to work 4 days each week. After day 1, this wonderful individual called out for the rest of the week. Apparently she was "too sick" to come in. (Meanwhile, we spied her working at a local restaurant that same day).

Monday started week 2. She worked the morning but left early at lunch, again "horribly sick." We were the only ones who found it suspicious that after complaining of the chills and being so sick she could hardly move, she put on flip flops and sashayed out the door to go home.

I'm just going to the beach...I mean home. Because I'm so sick.

This is the same new employee who had previously volunteered at Tartarus. Of the eight weeks she was on the volunteer roster she came in twice. The other days she canceled due to : allergies, pink eye, strep throat, the flu and bronchitis. 

We are sensing a pattern.

Therefore, we dub her Bueller. We'll let you know how long she gets away with it. 

"They totally bought it"

Time to go

Winter is finally over and the murder goose is out of hibernation. Or back from the south. Or whatever it is that psychotic killer geese do when it's cold out.

We were getting ready to close Tartarus for the day yesterday. This woman came in about twenty minutes before closing. Not rushing. Just a leisurely stroll. Now, she did tell her kids "be quick. They're closing." No big, right?

Wrong. She may have said "hurry" but she asked a dozen questions, all while taking her own sweet time. We did an announcement that we were closing in just five minutes. She strolled up to the desk to sort through and order three items. Then she wanted something else that was supposed to be in stock and said she would "run and grab it." Four minutes later she strolled back to the desk, item not in hand. We didn't care, just wanted her gone. Some fool informed her that she had been looking in the wrong place. 

Are you gone yet?

Tartarus was now officially closed. The lights on the upper floors had been turned off. The Hutt was standing at our main desk, glaring at the woman (and Spoof and Speck for some reason even though we weren't involved at all). Five minutes later, the woman finally had the right item. Then she had to sort through what the kids had picked out so they could reject half of them. They strolled out fifteen minutes after we closed, laughing, only to pause at the doors so one of them could use the restroom.

That inconsiderate behavior is why the they are the next murder goose victims.