The return of Jimmy Duck

Here's a feature we'd pretty much forgotten: The Everyday Adventures of Jimmy Duck. In case you've forgotten (like we had) or are new to our blog, this is where we feature weird and funny things we've seen or heard at work. This is not to be confused with the Dunce Corner, where we feature the "so stupid it's funny" things we've heard at work.

Here are a few gems we've heard in recent weeks:

I don't want to drink bathroom germs.

Can't blame them on that

What's your sister Sue's name?

Hey now. I can be a ding-dong if I want to. 

She was doing a pretty good job of it, too

 

Jimmy Duck joins us for lunch

When you look in a refrigerator there are a handful of things you expect to see. A brown paper bag, a tupperware container of salad, maybe a takeout box. These things are normal. Now, if you open the refrigerator at Tartarus you will see none of those things. This is what you will spy:

Not only are there two lunch boxes in there (and we've checked. One of them has one of those blue ice pack things in it), there are two purses. PURSES. Who packs a lunch in a purse?

Super important, apparently

Like most places, Tartarus has a Lost and Found. Ours happens to be two boxes tucked away under the desk, helpfully labeled "Lost and Found" with fancy signs. Because apparently the boxes that had been there pretty much since the beginning of time that had "Lost and Found" written on them with marker were confusing for Shoes. But we digress.

This is the way we usually handle a found item (if Shoes or the Hutt are watching): item gets a label on it that at least has the date on it so in four months (or whenever Shoes feels like doing it) old items can be removed and thrown away or whatever.  We're also supposed to initial said note but we refuse. Cause that's dumb. Put item in box unless it looks particularly valuable or too tiny in which case it gets tucked in a drawer for safe keeping.

This is the way we handle a found item if no one is looking: stuff item in box and forget about it.
 
Sometimes, if the item seems like something that the person will immediately miss (cell phone, jewelry, etc) it gets taped to the desk so we see it. The reason we're telling you all of this is so we can show you this photo:

As you can see from the note, this button has been taped to the desk for a week now. It is about the diameter of a pencil eraser. We suspect it's like a collar button or something. Why in the world do they think this is important? If someone really needed it, they'd have asked for it by now. As far as we're concerned, lost buttons don't get saved at all. Lost buttons are trash.

 

What would that look like?

It's been a little while since we talked about our patrons, what with all the insanity that has been coming from the staff. This story, though, just had to be shared.

The other day, Spoof took a phone call.

The fellow on the phone said, "I have a question for you."

Said Spoof, "Okay."

The fellow said "Do you have the ability to print on invisible paper?"

After an awkward pause Spoof said, "Ummm.....Invisible?"

The fellow, very seriously, said, "Yes, invisible."

Spoof sort of snorted. "No!"

"Okay," said the fellow amiably and hung up.

What just happened here?

 

No frontsies, no backsies

This story happened a few weeks ago but it is so ridiculous that we keep telling it and it never gets old.

We were at a conference. After our morning sessions we made our way back to the main room for lunch. We got there a little early so things weren't set up yet. A line quickly formed. For once, we were actually towards the start of the line. 

Winners!

Now, we go to this conference every year. And every year, while waiting in line for the lunch buffet, we gripe about the huge number of people who cut in the line. We thought maybe because we were toward the front, we wouldn't notice as much cutting this year. 

Not so.

As we waited for the doors to open a couple of ladies pushed past us. "We're not cutting," they said as they shoved their way to the front, "we're just going to stand up here towards the front." And how is that not cutting?

The whole thing was so ridiculous that we kept repeating it. Ad nauseum. Until the guy who was legitimately standing in front of us turned around and laughed.

Life is weird. Might as well laugh.

Jimmy Duck overhears stuff

Sometimes you hear one side of a phone conversation and what you hear is so stupid it bears repeating. Spacey spent a good 20 minutes on the phone with somebody today and this is part of what we heard.

"If you gave me the correct year, January 2nd and January 3rd are only a day apart."

Taking this statement to it's logical conclusion, Spacey must think that in some years January 2nd and January 3rd aren't just one day apart. Is there some year when there is a January 2.5, 2.6666, 2.8, etc?

Tell me more about this magical January.

Jimmy Duck wonders

There are many things at Tartarus don't make sense. Take the suggestion box. For the past two years we've had a suggestion box tucked on the back of a cabinet where no one can see it. Shoes and the Hutt frequently complain that no one uses it. Apparently they've decided to blame the box. Today they put up a second box, also in a hard to see place. That's not even the weirdest part. Both of those boxes are locked. They are the only ones who have access. Why in the name of the Great Gazoo do the boxes have to be locked? Are they afraid someone is going to steal all of the comments?

The comments are mine! Mine! All mine!

 

Because that's sensible

In the time that we've worked at Tartarus, and especially in the time that we've been blogging, we've heard a lot of ridiculous things from our coworkers. What happened today may just be the dumbest of the dumb.

Like a lot of places, we've been getting a considerable amount of snow lately. Today they were predicting a rather nasty storm. Speck, who was scheduled to work a later shift, received this phone call about mid-morning.

We should be glad they made an actual phone call.

Co-worker: Speck, we need you to call in to Tartarus before you leave your house today.
Speck: Huh?
Co-worker: I'm calling you to tell you to call us before you come in. We'll tell you then whether you should come in or not. We might close early.
Speck: Are you kidding me? I have to call you? Why don't you just call me if you're going to close?
Co-worker: No, we need you to call here.

Now, Speck has a pretty short commute, so while it was idiotic it wasn't a big deal. Some of the others we work with have a bit of a drive. Spacey called as instructed right before leaving for Tartarus only to be told they didn't know yet and to wait ten minutes and call back, guaranteeing that Spacey would be at least fifteen minutes late for work.

As if that all weren't stupid enough, listen to what happened later. Spoof called Speck at the appointed time to say "don't come in."
"So, when are you closing," asked Speck.
"No, idea," said Spoof. "The Hutt won't tell us."

Did that really just happen?

 

Jimmy Duck does safety

We're all for safety, but doesn't this seem a little ridiculous?

Can't tell what's happening here? Let's look a little closer.

Yes, you saw that right. It is a wet floor sign. On the carpeting. Admittedly, the floor was wet. (We had a leak) But who in their right mind puts a wet floor sign on the carpet? Look at it. The little guy is slipping on the wet floor. No one slips on wet carpet.

Delivery from Lassie

You know what bugs us? When people get flowers at work then have to keep them out on the central desk so every single person who walks through the door can ooo and ahhh over them. 

We have one particular coworker who gets flowers often. Not just for birthdays and anniversaries. No, this Lambikins gets flowers at least every other month for heaven only knows what reason. 

Oh look, even more flowers for Lambikins

One time, trying to be friendly, we asked "who are the flowers from?" Lambikins blustered for a minute before finally saying, "I don't think I can tell you."

 

Seriously?

If that weren't bad enough, the most recent bouquet came this week. Lambikins smiled one of those secret smiles while reading the card. Boyfriend, we figured. Oh no. The flowers were from her dog. Her dog! Apparently the pooch had been misbehaving and "sent flowers to apologize."

Does that make sense in your world?

We think we need flowers too. Maybe from Rabid Mo. Or from the chair that broke while Speck was sitting in it.

Your very own sampler plate

Usually we share one, big, funny story with. Today that didn't happen. Instead we have as series of stupid anecdote for you. Enjoy.

1. When we opened up this morning, our computers were out of order. Zebra went around and posted signs. Immediately afterward (we're talking less than a minute later) someone asked to use a computer. Zebra's response? "Sure."

2. Shoes flipped out because someone else got an email, was in a panic over not seeing this email yet. The email was waiting in Shoes' account. 

You can't get information 30 seconds before me!

3. Our newest employee has worked in Tartarus for a month now and still can't figure out how to use our phones. Even "hold" eludes this person.

Do I push 'hold' or 'out'?

4. Spoof followed protocol and emailed the Hutt about a possible program. The Hutt replied "you should have emailed Opie first. Opie would be the one to do it." Firstly, this thing isn't even scheduled. We're supposed to ask the Hutt first. Secondly, why is everything Opie's? 

Barely holding it together here.

5. A patron in Tartarus argued with the new employee about a fine this afternoon. Things were getting out of control. Shoes, who is supposed to handle these things, was sitting right there, in earshot, and ignored the entire exchange.

Because ignoring a problem always makes it go away.

 So that's the story of our day. In general this kind of stuff happens every day.

Can you explain it?

We're going to tell you a story. You're never going to believe it, but we swear this really happened. Honestly.

Today a woman walked into Tartarus carrying a large plastic shopping bag. It held a television. Not one of those little, battery operated, black and white sets the size of a lunch box. No, we're talking modern, midsized flat screen.

Imagine carrying this around

To our credit, no one asked her what she thought she was doing. 
We might have stared a little. 
Okay, a lot. 
Okay, everyone at the desk was staring at her like she had twelve heads. But honestly, what would you have been doing?


She acted like this was nothing out of the ordinary. She walked that t.v. right up to the desk. "Excuse me, is there somewhere I can plug this in?"

This was all the response we could manage

"I just need to plug it in really quickly," she said. "There's a disc still in it that I need to return."

Major kudos to the Zebra who got the awkward job of dealing with her. Instead of calling her an idiot (as we were inclined to do) he just pointed her to the nearest outlet. She retrieved the disc and was on her way. 

 

What just happened here?

So our question is this: why didn't she just take the disc out wherever she had the tv in the first place. We can think of no situation in which it would be easier to take the tv with you somewhere instead of just the disc. She apparently didn't have the case at home but even so, there has to be some easier way to protect the disc than carrying a wide screen television set all over town. 

Can anyone explain this to us? If you can provide some halfway rational explanation to this situation we'll let you pick the beast we add to our next altered magazine page here on Falling Down the Death Stare. 
So our question is this: why didn't

Weird and kind of creepy

So, there's this woman who comes into Tartarus regularly. Let's call her Pinky.

She's....well let's just say she's an experience. She really likes Spoof. She's been known to refuse to deal with anyone but Spoof. For two years she had no idea who Speck was, in spite of talking to Speck every week. Speck once said to her, "Hi Pinky." Well, Pinky just about jumped out of her skin. "How do you know my name," she demanded. This is a standard encounter with Pinky.

One of the weirdest things we've heard Pinky say is "My new hobby is outhouses." Now, we know some people like photos of old outhouses. We've even seen outhouse Christmas ornaments. This is not what Pinky means.

We don't see the appeal, but whatever.

No, Pinky has an entirely different kind of thing in mind. This is what Pinky likes.

Who in their right minds likes these?

Of course, Pinky is also in love with a sock, but that's a story for a different time.

Can we get beans too?

We don't know about you, but our day could use a little pick-me-up. So we dug into our mental archives and pulled out this gem of a conversation Spoof once had with a customer's child. Let's call him BB, short for bear boy. (He carries two stuffed bears, one under each arm)


Spoof:This has been fun, but I have to go back to the desk now.

BB: Why?

Spoof: Because I have to work.

BB: Why?

Spoof: Because it's my job.

BB: Why?

Spoof: So I can get paid.

BB: Oh, so you can buy hot dogs?

Spoof: Sure. Hot dogs.

The whole reason people work, apparently

So, get this

When you hear PSA what do you think of? Some of you may answer "Professional Squash Association" (that's a real thing by the way) but more than likely most of you will say "Public Service Announcement."

And what is a Public Service Announcement? Wikipedia provides this definition: "messages in the public interest disseminated by the media without charge, with the objective of raising awareness, changing public attitudes and behavior towards a social issue."

We've all seen a PSA, probably teaching us about drugs, AIDS, or tolerance.

If you're like us, you immediately imagined this logo and are currently singing the little jingle in your head.

Hey, Spoof and Speck, you are saying. What's the deal? This is really boring. Where's your usual witty observations? Don't worry friends. We're almost there.

The thing is, Shoes talks about PSAs all of the time. A ridiculous amount of Shoes' week is spent writing PSAs. We do not work for any kind of public health/social justice nonprofit organization. Remember that Wikipedia definition? PSAs are about social issues. We send information about programs and events. Press Releases.

What we, Shoes included, send out looks more like this:

Sample Press Release

and nothing at all like this:

Any questions?

 And in case you've forgotten who we're talking about, Shoes is the Hutt's minion. Shoes has power, is somewhat in charge of us. 

So now it's your turn. What else could PSA be an acronym for? Share your funniest answers in the comments. Our favorite will be featured here on Falling Down the Death Stare in late September.

Of doorknobs and coffee pots

Imagine with us for a moment. Your walking around carrying a coffee pot in one hand and a water bottle in the other. Suddenly you come to a closed door. You need to go into the room on the other side of the door. What do you do?

What a quandary this is.

There are many correct answers to that question. Let's list a few:
   1. Set down the water bottle. Turn the knob.
   2. Set down the coffee pot. Turn the knob.
   3. Tuck the water bottle under your arm. Turn the knob.

You know what doesn't work? Trying to turn the knob with the coffee pot. Who even tries to do that? Our coworker Opie, that's who. What is going on in Opie's mind that the coffee pot seemed like the best answer to the problem? We shouldn't be surprised. Opie also thought that it was normal for the elevator to stop with the door open about three inches. Opie seems to have a real problem with doors.

Can't turn a doorknob

Apparently also can't turn a doorknob

The Everyday Adventures of JimmyDuck: Inaction Figures

Ever have trouble keeping track of your boss's location? We have this problem all of the time. Even though the Hutt practically lives in the offices, we never know whether its taking phone calls or even which office its in. This became enough of a problem that the Hutt came up with a solution: the doll. The doll is like one of those artist's dummies, poseable and made out of wood.

 

Picture something like this

The idea is the doll will take one of three poses: out of the building, in the building but unavailable, in the main office and taking calls. In theory, this is not a horrible idea. In practice it has several fatal flaws:

1. The doll is kept at the main desk, down a flight of stairs from the offices. This means that the Hutt has to come downstairs to change the pose. One would think that you could just tell the people at the desk where you will be, thus rendering the doll redundant.

2. No one remembers what the poses mean. There is no guide anywhere. Additionally, those three poses don't cover all the possibilities for the Hutt's location and availability.

3. The Hutt rarely actually changes the doll. Seriously, it was in the "out of the building" pose for three weeks straight. More recently, our coworkers have taken to contorting the doll into freakish poses. No one notices.

And most importantly:

4. The doll makes us feel like preschoolers. We are all college educated adults. We understand words like "I'll be out of the office until 4". The doll makes us think you consider us all idiots.

Yeah, you might be out of the office but my brain is still here.

The Everyday Adventures of JimmyDuck part 1

Spoof and Speck bring you another new, hopefully regular, feature. We call it "The Everyday Adventures of JimmyDuck". These posts will bring you the funny, crazy, and downright weird stuff we see and hear at our workplace.

Today's installment has got to be one of the weirdest we've ever seen.

What kind of person puts a cooler in the refrigerator?