It's Mo Monday!

We think Mo likes books. Even more than he likes books, though, he likes people who like books. Specifically, he likes to eat them.

He may like to eat the books too

Just look at him, posed to nibble on some fingers.

What's in a name

We've given a lot of nicknames for our coworkers and a handful for patrons of Tartarus. Lest you think we are some sort of freaks who get their kicks out of mocking their coworkers, we thought we'd share some names we've given to people we've encountered in our real lives.

Hawaii people - The Hawaii people are seasonal residents. They are very loud and spend all of their time talking about their lives in Hawaii and how they like it better around Tartarus. 

The Nids - These people gave their kids weird names. The only one we can remember ever is named Leonid. So, we have dubbed the other kids Beonid and Cleonid. Collectively, the family is the nids.

Turtle - This person walks like a turtle and chews like a turtle. 

Magical Trevor - Spoof's neighbor. He comes and goes without ever being seen. Seriously, we pulled into the drive - no Trevor. We looked out the window two minutes later - BAM there's Trevor's truck. Magic.
Like this:

Creepy Clown Guy - He walks around in striped socks, Hawaiian shirts, and a porkpie hat. And he's creepy.

Godzilla feet - We've seen this guy walking around. He stomps around like he is Godzilla.

The Furries - The furries are a group of guys who protest something near Tartarus. Once a week. For two hours. And we don't really know what they are protesting. They just all have a lot of hair. One of the furries is actually a sometimes patron at Tartarus whom we call Oh Frank. He is so named because any time we talk about him the conversation ends with the exclamation, "Oh, Frank"

Fire, brimstone, and ... monkeys?

This is a particularly dark Out of Context.

This week's line:
Bad things happen in monkey holes.

That's fire on the left

The Amazing Spoof and Speck

This morning we made our way to the main floor of Tartarus. We had just arrived at work and Tartarus wasn't open yet. This is typical. Also typical was the fact that Zebra was there a good five minutes ahead of us and getting to work, even though he wasn't technically being paid yet. 

Of course.

As we started working Zebra called over to us. "Oh, Spoof and Speck, you know the Hutt isn't here today, right."

"Um, no," we said. "How would we know that."

"Oh, the Hutt called and left a message. It is sick today," he said, reading from a note.

So, if he was reading this message from a not and had arrived ahead of us, how would we possibly know already? Is it possible that we are mind-readers and don't even know it?

We are amazing, apparently

It's Mo Monday!

You can't say Mo doesn't have a playful side. We caught him today using these hangers like a jungle gym.

That Mo. What a silly guy.

What would that look like?

It's been a little while since we talked about our patrons, what with all the insanity that has been coming from the staff. This story, though, just had to be shared.

The other day, Spoof took a phone call.

The fellow on the phone said, "I have a question for you."

Said Spoof, "Okay."

The fellow said "Do you have the ability to print on invisible paper?"

After an awkward pause Spoof said, "Ummm.....Invisible?"

The fellow, very seriously, said, "Yes, invisible."

Spoof sort of snorted. "No!"

"Okay," said the fellow amiably and hung up.

What just happened here?

 

Wombage returns

Do you remember Wombage, our book club for everyone?

Here's the poster

We're bringing Wombage back. Here's the promo.

Does your fetus love to read? Does Great Grandma have a stack of thrillers she's been wanting to get through? Then the Wombage read-a-thon is the event for you. 
How many hours will your fetus read? Find out during Wombage 2014.

Need an explanation? Keep scrolling

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Mosquito has a new obsession. One of Mosquito's kid's groups had a read-a-thon fund raiser last month. Mosquito loved it so much that she wants to have read-a-thons for other age groups. Like once a month. That's a lot of a-thons.
 



 

Splat!

Tartarus is a Fascist State

We complain a lot about things that happen at Tartarus. Most of it is rude or cruel. What happened today, though, goes beyond just mean. We've begun a quiet investigation. Real, serious, rules may have been broken.

Our non-union union had an issue up for a vote. All staff members were given paper ballots in our mailboxes. There was no notification that the ballots were there. Apparently we were just expected to find them.

Who knew?

 
When we (Spoof and Speck) asked the representative when we needed to turn our ballots in (just a day and a half after receiving them) we were told not to worry about it. Knowing that not all ballots had been handed in they counted and filed the votes anyway. That fact is bad enough. It gets worse. The representative literally said, "I knew I didn't have your ballots, Spoof and Speck. But I already had a majority vote so I've already submitted the results." We thought the rep liked us. Apparently we were wrong.

It's Mo Monday!

It never fails. We open a cupboard and there's Mo. Even when we think there's no room for him, he makes space. It seems to have become a game for him.

At least he doesn't celebrate by trying to eat our faces.

Rebels

Lest you all think we are a couple of lazy nogoodniks, allow us to tell you about our day today. 

The Hutt was away from Tartarus for the day. When we found out this glorious news earlier this week we began to dream about the fun we could have. We admit we pictured a lot of lazing about and loud talking. We discussed showing up late and taking an extra long lunch. Spending our time at the desk playing some sort of game. 

Awesome Tartarus party!

What did we actually do to rebel on this day of freedom? We neglected to wear our name tags.

See. A real pair of rebels. Might as well arrest us now

 

Speck is not a carrier pigeon

In case it has not been clear thus far on the Death Stare, we are at war with Mosquito (and also the Hutt but that's a tale for another post). The thing is, we used to all work together pretty well. You wouldn't have called us all best friends but we functioned pretty well as a team. Then the Hutt started favoring Mosquito, which puts a lot of strain on a group dynamic. Then Mosquito became aware of the favor and started taking advantage of it. Like all the time. Mosquito only follows rules it finds convenient and the Hutt lets it happen. Things have gotten so bad that Mosquito seems to think it's better than the rest of us. We've had enough.

In the last six months, Mosquito has taken to using Speck as a messenger service, refusing to speak to Spoof directly. Literally, we'll know that Mosquito has something to discuss with Spoof. Spoof walks by and Mosquito is silent. Ten minutes later, Mosquito asks Speck to go ask Spoof a question.

Aye, aye captain. -mutter mutter sputter-

Well, the carrier pigeon has gone on strike. No more will Speck relay questions to Spoof.

Not gonna do it

Give me a hand. Or at least an elbow

We love sharing these random lines out of context. If you like them as much as we do, we encourage you to guess at the original context down in the comments.

Today's line is: I can't find my arms. Not the ones attached to my body.

Captain Contagious

Every work place has one. This person is constantly sick. If a bug goes around, the Captain catches it. No matter how sick he gets, the Captain never stays home. Our Captain currently sounds like he has an entire country of those Mucinex guys living in his lungs, yet he still works every day.

It's a serious mucus party

Captain Contagious also seems to have a mortal fear of all cold medicines, cough drops, facial tissue, and hand sanitizer.

Substitute the club with a tissue and a sneeze in place of that awesome call

 

It's Mo Monday!

Summer may not officially be here yet, but it's starting to feel like summer. The trees are in full leaf and Mo, at least, is taking full advantage. He spent the whole weekend lurking in trees, looking for unsuspecting victims to drop down on and maul.

It's like the most horrifying game of hide-and-seek

A different kind of shoe story

Last night, Speck was scheduled to work with just Neppy. Speck was not pleased. Speck finds Neppy incredibly annoying. Still, two people have managed Tartarus at night before. They would have been fine. Then we got a revised schedule. Shoes got scheduled to work along with them. Also annoying, but not a huge big deal.

Come yesterday morning, Shoes showed up at 8. That is Shoes' normal coming in time. When closing, one usually arrives at 11 or 12. When Spoof questioned Shoes arrival, Shoes said, "oh, I forgot."

"So, ar you going to leave," asked Spoof.

"No, maybe I'll split the shift. Maybe I'll just leave at five. Maybe I'll work all day. We'll see," said Shoes.

Cause that makes sense

Fast forward to five o'clock. Shoes had been there all day and showed no signs of leaving. Neppy and Speck were told "Shoes is here, but not really here." This meant Shoes sat at the back desk all night working, unpaid, on stuff that could have waited until morning. But, Shoes would not wait on any patrons. No matter what.

Yeah, don't think so

 

Shoe stories

Oddly enough, we've been having a lot of shoe related weirdness at Tartarus of late. So, today we bring you our three best stories about shoes.

Story #1
Mosquito has a favorite pair of shoes. She's been wearing them several times a week for four years now. They are undoubtedly very good shoes but the leather is wearing thin enough that the toes are turning white. Three separate people have offered to polish the shoes but Mosquito insists "they look better this way."

Really?

Story #2
We suspect that the Zebra may be the reincarnation of Mr. Rogers. He keeps a pair of shoes at Tartarus that he changes into every day when he arrives. Even if he is only going outside for a few minutes at lunch, he changes into the outdoor shoes.

Story #3
Topping off the oddity, today three of our coworkers were wearing beach shoes. We're all for comfort but a) it wasn't that hot out, b) beach shoes aren't very professional, especially when you wear them with long pants and long sleeves, and c) TARTARUS IS NOT A BEACH.

 

Timberrrrrr!

Catch it, Spider Hero!

We were away from the desk today and passed by our security screen in time to see something unusual. Patrons kept looking up at the ceiling. And we spied Spider Hero taking screens out of windows. When Spider Hero came into the staff area, we coerced answers from him. Turns out, someone had spotted a bird flying around inside the building and Spider Hero had been dispatched to catch the thing.

Poor bird. We want out of Tartarus too.

Sounds boring right? Not at Tartarus.

We probably spent 10 to 15 minutes watching the security screen. Most because of the Hutt who spent that time pacing around a hallway, getting in Spider Hero's way, and wringing it's hands.

Nowhere near this cute, but about as useful

And what of the bird, you ask? Turns out it was a bat. We can be grateful no one realized this until it was already dead. We expect there would have been a great deal of screaming otherwise.

This was the only entertaining (rather than infuriating) part of our day. (More on the infuriating stuff later this week)

It's Mo Monday!

It's finally been starting to seem like summer here so the other day we went out for ice cream. Speck set down an ice cream cone for a few minutes and when we turned back around, Mo had laid claim to it.

Killer squirrel and ice cream thief