A strange definition of easy

Neppy exhibits some of the most bizarre behavior we've ever seen at Tartarus (and that is certainly saying something). Take, for instance, leaving the desk. Take a look at this handy chart we have created.

Now, any sensible person is going to exit out that right hand space and go around front.

Like so

Sensible is, of course, the operative word. Take a look at the path that Neppy takes.

Weird, right?

So, we asked Neppy why? Why go the long way around? 
Said Neppy, "It's easier. That way I don't have to turn around to come back. I just make a loop." 

This is easier? We ask you, is turning around that difficult/confusing?

 

It's Mo Monday!

Ever heard someone say "more fun than a barrel of monkeys"? Mo is determined to change the saying. He insists that squirrels are far more fun than monkeys and climbed into this barrel to prove his point.
 

We don't know about you but a barrel of squirrels doesn't sound that fun to us. It sounds a little too bitey and scratchy for our tastes.

People, it's just a box

In our series "The World According to the Hutt" we had two entries about ownership (here and here). In summary, nothing belongs to anyone and everyone is allowed to use everything. At least, that's what we thought. 

It's been what? Two weeks since all of that happened? This is what happened today.

We wanted a large box for an upcoming event. Like, a really big box. So, we asked Spider Hero where we might get one. "There are several down in the storage room," said Spider Hero. "I'll just get one out for you."

That should have been the end of the story. Next thing we knew, Spider Hero had gone to a local appliance store and picked us up a refrigerator box. "Not that we aren't grateful," we said, "this is perfect and all, but we thought you were getting one out of storage. We didn't mean for you to go to all of that trouble."

"I felt bad," said Spider Hero. "I told you I had a box for you but when I went to get it, Opie said all of the boxes down there were his."

Greedy, Opie. Just greedy

Did you catch that? All of the boxes belong to Opie. And this is okay with the Hutt. Spoof couldn't keep any personal property at Tartarus and isn't allowed to be protective of supplies purchased for a particular program but Opie can claim all of the cardboard for no particular reason.

 

Overheard

We hear some crazy stuff around Tartarus. Just today we heard these three gems.

1) A patron talking to Mr. Ed (at full volume right in front of our main desk)

-I looked down and there were whole seeds in my poop. Not that I picked through it. But I could see it there.


2) Mr. Ed talking to a patron (who was standing directly in front of him)

-Where are you?


3) A patron talking to Speck

-We are a pair of transients.

It just gets weirder and weirder, friends

 

Nothing suspicious in that box. Absolutely nothing.

Seriously, why is this not a problem

Our staff lounge has lockers for storing employee belongings. We've known for a while that Opie's locker was full of stuff. We suspect trash and old food. Maybe dead mice. Because the locker bank smells awful right next to Opie's locker. "Spoof and Speck," you are saying, "it's Opie's locker and therefore Opie's problem. What do you care?"

A) The locker stinks. Like, really terribly bad. Like death and rot.

B) Look at what we noticed today:

Can you see the gap where the side of the locker is bowing out?

See it? The screws are pulling out of the side panel of the locker

And this is why

We think it's horrible. But, because the locker is Opie's, the bosses have no problem with it.

It's Mo Monday!

We've seen Mo form alliances with a lot of different creatures. Today's might well be the weirdest. It would seem Mo has decided that he needs an ally that doubles as transportation. He's selected a horse. A bright pink plastic horse.

To the skies, Buttercup!

If we weren't already certain of his insanity, this would have cemented it.

Don't go there dude

We were making a list of our special skills and near the top of the list (hating people had to be right up there) we added witty observations. You may recall our response to the tread climber infomercial. Well, friends, we've done it again. This time we saw an ad for the Our Time dating site.

This weirdness right here

The gentleman on the ad says "In the grocery store they don't just come up to you and say 'hey, I'd like to go on a date.'"

Spoof: Well of course they don't. No one wants to sound needy.

Speck: And if they did you'd probably say 'Well good for you. But it won't be with me. Get away you freak.'

Spoof: Yeah, and there would probably be some groin kicking and karate chopping involved.

Speck: Yup. You don't want that. Don't wish for that, dude.


Now, looking back this probably isn't nearly as funny as when we initially said it. Believe us, it was hilarious.

Was this even a question?

Today's Stuff Out of Context was a pretty good one. The line is:
    I am not a pigeon.

Not even a slight resemblance

New feature - Plague of the Day

We mentioned earlier this summer our coworker's sudden obsession with sweaters. One person in particular seems to wear nothing but sweaters. And she wears them in the strangest outfits. This young woman, who we call Plague, has such an odd sense of style that we feel the need to chronicle it here. We'll pop in occasionally to share what we are calling "the Plague of the Day." For instance, today's look:

Split cowl necked short sleeved sweater outer layer (worn as a shirt with nothing under it), navy skirt with lace edge, black leggings, slouchy tan socks (tucked under the leggings), black soccer shoes

 

It's Mo Monday!

Fall is on it's way and we are enjoying the last of the nice warm weather. Out for a walk this weekend we spotted Mo doing the same.

He's enjoying the sunshine as well as exploring this funny tree stump.

He was so content with the weather that he didn't even growl at us as we passed by.

Pucker up, Fanta

Today we say goodbye to Fanta. We won't be sorry to see her go.

The other day we heard her say this:

"Do we really have to help Spoof while people are away? I'd be okay helping Mosquito, but not not Spoof."


We would like to invite Fanta to french a rabid raccoon.

Give him a great big smooch

 

Turtle is disgusting

We have a co-worker we often refer to as Turtle. The name is a little hard to explain. What you need to know is that anytime there is food, Turtle is the first one to take some. And the first to come back for more. If there are cookies, Turtle will start with three and come back repeatedly. We were given muffins once. Big, bakery muffins. Turtle ate 6.

Lately, Turtle has taken to rummaging for food in the staff room. If it is anywhere other than you locker, Turtle thinks it is fair game. Today, walking into the staff room, we found Turtle hurriedly slamming the lid back on a tin. A tin that was labeled for a program. While scampering away, Turtle paused and picked up something off the floor. "Ooops," said Turtle, "run away chocolate chip."

And then she ate it.

Off the floor.

Which gets properly cleaned once a year.

And always smells of a peculiar combination of chemicals and filthy feet. And occasionally of dead mice.

ATE IT OFF THAT FLOOR.

Our reaction

 

Turtle

Full steam ahead!

The world according to the Hutt - the 9th and final part

Yes, you read that right. We have at last come to the end of the insanity that occurred a couple of weeks ago. And this one is a doozy. Seriously, we saved the most insane part of the whole ordeal for last.

The whole thing started with a bowl. A bowl that belonged to Spoof. Spoof brought the bowl to Tartarus last fall for something and has kept it in our staff room ever since. It made a convenient place to keep things like business cards and the like. Not only did everyone see Spoof with the bowl last fall, it has had a little sign with Spoof's name on it since then. There was no mistaking this bowl as Spoof's. The day of the blow up, someone had taken Spoof's bowl, pulled off the sign, dumped the things out of it, and was using it for something else. All without asking. Spoof is a reasonable person. If our coworker had asked permission, Spoof would gladly have loaned the bowl. But as no permission was asked, Spoof took the bowl back and told everyone "If someone would like to use my bowl, please ask me."

This all seemed reasonable to us. 

A few minutes passed and then the Hutt came stomping down the stairs from it's office and snatched the bowl off the counter. "That's my bowl," said Spoof.

"I'm hearing different stories from someone else," snarled the Hutt, "so now no one gets it."

"But it is mine," said Spoof. "It had my name on it. I brought it from home."

"Well, where was it," said the Hutt. 

"In the staff room," said Spoof. "I keep my business cards in it."

"Oh," said the Hutt. "Well, as soon as you bring something to Tartarus it belongs to the whole place. Anyone can use it."

What?!!!

"Wait wait wait," said Spoof. "You're telling me that if I buy something, it has my name on it, and it only means something to me, by bringing it here I lose ownership? A relative gave me a photo. It is in the staff room, in a frame I purchased. It has special meaning to me. You are saying anyone can move that photo, even throw it out, if they feel like it."

"Yes," insisted the Hutt. "Everything in Tartarus belongs to Tartarus and anyone can use it."

"That's ridiculous," said Spoof. "That's not how things work at all."

"You don't know what you are talking about," said the Hutt.

And everything exploded from there.

Hutt rule #9 - If it is in Tartarus, it belongs to Tartarus.

It's Mo Monday!

Occasionally we discover that Mo has made a new friend. Usually this is cause for concern. Take what we saw today, for instance. Mo has conscripted this fellow, found outside a local restaurant, into his army.

 

If Mo has knights on his side, how do the rest of us even stand a chance/

The world according to the Hutt - part 8

During the massive argument Spoof laid out a lot of complaints. "You treat Speck and I differently than you treat your favorites," said Spoof.

"Untrue," proclaimed the Hutt. "Name one time I treated anyone differently."

"How about the time you took away our scissors. But Opie was still allowed to cut upstairs. At the main desk even. And when you gave our scissors back you told us we had to clean up everything the second we were done cutting. Do you remember that."

"Yes," said the Hutt. "I was in a bad mood that summer."

"Which is crazy," said Spoof. "You made a stupid rule because you were pissed. But what I'd like to point out is how many times the clones have left messes this summer. The space where they work is an absolute sty all of the time. They leave cut up paper, scissors, pens, and trash all over. And you never say anything."

"Oh, well, they're just summer staff," said the Hutt.

"That's no excuse. They're adults. They know how to keep a space tidy. And it's not their first summer here. They know how their space should look. Why don't you ever say anything to them?"

"They're just summer staff," repeated the Hutt.

It takes a great deal of restraint on our parts not to attack the Hutt. A great deal.

Hutt rule #8 - Messes left by summer staff are not a problem. Messes left by Spoof and Speck are punishable by death.

The world according to the Hutt - part 7

The Hutt really has this thing about blaming victims. In the process of the blowout, the Hutt informed Spoof, "If you were a better manager you wouldn't have so many problems."

"If you recall, Hutt," said Spoof, "we took a management class together. I've implemented every technique they taught us. Every time I try to manage people, they ignore me and go over my head to you. And you let them. You constantly undermine me."

The Hutt refused to acknowledge this complaint, just repeated itself. "If you were better at your job you wouldn't have so many problems."

Of course. That makes complete sense

Hutt rule #7 - Disrespect and insubordination are caused only by bad management, not bad employees. Unless said things are directed at the Hutt. Those people belong on the street.

One really smart, or at least bossy, reptile

It's time once again for Stuff Out of Context. Today's line is:
  The all knowing turtle has banished you.
 

The world according to the Hutt - part 6

One of our frequent complaints at Tartarus is the overuse and misuse of supplies. It seems as soon as you go looking for something it's either not where it belongs or almost gone, used by who know who. We complained to the Hutt that someone was using all of our supplies, even stuff specially purchased for a particular event, without permission. 

The Hutt just scowled. "You are too territorial. What does it hurt to let other people use you stuff?"

"Hutt," said Spoof, "we're not talking about pens (even though we seem to lose those left and right). We're talking about something we bought for a particular project. Special purchase. Out of a particular budget. You don't see a problem with that?"

All the Hutt would say was "You're too territorial."

Bad Spoof and Speck. Share your stuff.

Hutt rule 6: You can use whatever you want, regardless of it's intended purpose. At least, some people can.

It's Mo Monday!

Every time we encounter Rabid Mo we learn something new and surprising. When we saw him yesterday we discovered that he dreams of sailing the open sea. No matter how hard we tried we couldn't convince him that this particular sail boat is a stone sculpture and not seaworthy. He just demanded that we drag him to the water and threatened to gnaw off our noses if we didn't obey.

Apparently he fancies himself a modern Captain Ahab.

Clearly the rabies is starting to affect his reasoning. Or maybe he's always been psychotic.