The world according to the Hutt - part 5

During the course of the blowout the Hutt stated that there needed to be a management meeting (which always involves Spoof stuck in a small office with the Hutt and Shoes for an hour or more) "as soon as it can be arranged." 

"Oh," said Spoof. "Will this be a typical bash Spoof meeting."

"Probably," said the Hutt without an ounce of shame.

We give the Hutt points for honesty

Hutt rule #5 - Good bosses routinely, and without cause, give certain employees a hard time.

The world according to the Hutt - part 4

We have, at times, been told that we have a "serious productivity issues." In fact this is a frequent Hutt complaint, even showing up on Speck's last employee evaluation as "a problem that needs to be solved in the next six months if Speck wishes to continue working at Tartarus". 

When Spoof and Hutt had it out last week, the Hutt once again called both Spoof and Speck lazy. Later, when Spoof pointed out how little work some of our coworkers actually do, the Hutt mentioned how they work up in the executive offices. "We go look at cat pictures sometimes, but we do that in the back office so it's okay," said the Hutt.

Our management team hard at work, apparently

A) How does that answer the complaint about employee laziness.
B) If that's what our management does no wonder the employees think sitting around telling jokes is a good use of our time.
c) What the...

Hutt rule #4 - Looking at cat pictures is productive.

Ready to launch!

The world according to the Hutt - part 3

Today's insanity is actually a continuation of Friday's Hutt rule. It was crazy enough, though, to earn it's own post.

After the Hutt said it was our own fault that no one tells us stuff Spoof pressed the issue. "So, let's talk about program Q," said Spoof. "All I know about program Q is what I read on a poster. You're telling me that it's not a problem that no one has told me anything about it?"

"Are you involved in program Q," said the Hutt.

"Obviously not, if I don't know what is happening."

"Then you don't need to know," insisted the Hutt.

You're kidding, right?

Spoof just stared for a second. "So, if a patron comes in and asks me about program Q, I'm just supposed to say I'm not doing that so I don't know anything. I can't answer any questions or even tell you when it will take place. That doesn't seem like a problem to you?"

"I guess so," said the Hutt.

 Hutt rule #3 - If you are not directly involved you don't need to know anything.

It's Mo Monday!

We don't know if Mo has gotten bolder or just creepier. Today we spied him peaking in people's basement windows.

Mo the peeper

We don't know if he was just interested in what they were doing or looking for potential victims. Either way, we're freaked out.

The world according to the Hutt - part 2

One of our frequent complaints at Tartarus is communication. No one tells anyone else anything. In particular, your friends Spoof and Speck are told nothing. Patrons coming into Tartarus know more about what is going on than we do. We'd like to make it clear - we pay attention. We listen to what is happening around us. We simply are not told.

We're listening. If only someone was talking

So, during the blowout, Spoof complained to the Hutt. "Nobody tells me what is going on. I have to find out about stuff on our website," said Spoof.

"That's your own fault," said the Hutt. "If you were more approachable people would tell you what is going on."

We don't know about you, but even if we are the most despicable, hateful, baby-childish-jerks on the planet shouldn't everyone else be the grown-ups, the bigger people, and tell us what is going on? Don't we have a right to know what is going on around us, especially when we are going to be expected to make accommodations for things?

Hutt rule #2: If people don't like you, they don't have to tell you what's going on. And that's your own fault.
 

The world according to the Hutt - Part 1

We told you briefly on Tuesday that there was a screaming match with the Hutt last week. During the argument, Spoof asserted that our department has serious problems, mostly in terms of communication, and that if things didn't improve soon it was going to affect the general environment at Tartarus.

"Well," snapped the Hutt, "maybe we need to call a department meeting and hash all of this out."

"Yes, please," said Spoof. "Let's do that. When do you want to schedule it?"

After blustering for a minute (we suspect Spoof was meant to object to the suggestion) the Hutt named a date.

"I don't think that will work," said Spoof. "Speck is away that day."

"What do you mean," growled the Hutt. "Speck doesn't have any time off coming up."

"Um, I'm pretty sure Speck has that day and the one after."

"No, I think I know what's happening. Don't lie," said the Hutt.

"Look, Speck's right there," insisted Spoof. "Let's ask."

After Speck confirmed the day off, the Hutt got even angrier. "Well maybe we'll just have it anyway."

"No," said Spoof. "Speck is part of the department. We can't very well have a department meeting without everyone in the department."

"Well," snarled the Hutt, "we'll just have to see if Speck is invited to the meeting."

Of course, all of this happened withing earshot of Speck who is now doubly angry and insulted.

So, Hutt rule #1: You have to be invited to be a part of your own department.

Snakes in my ears, bugs in my nose

That's right, it's time for Stuff Out of Context.
Today's line is:
Weird things come out of me.

Not sure how it all got in there.

An Explanation

You may have noticed on Friday we were extraordinarily angry. We had good reason, we promise. We only wish we could tell you exactly what happened. Unfortunately, for the protection of the innocent, we can't go into too much detail. What we can tell you is that there was a massive blow-out with the Hutt. We're talking two hour screaming match. 

The end result was a new set of rules for your friends Spoof and Speck. These rules are so ridiculous that if we put them all in a single post you'd be here for an hour. And it would take us days to write, mostly because we'd have to take several breaks to keep our blood pressures from getting to high.

Instead, we're going to parcel them out over several days in a mini-series we're calling "The World According to the Hutt". To give you all (and us) some breaks from all the rage we'll still be posting our regular features (Rabid Mo, Stuff Out of Context, and the Further Adventures of Spoof and Speck) at their regularly scheduled times. So, join us Thursday for the first installment of The World According to the Hutt.

For now, we're going to go try to calm down. Maybe drink heavily.

It's Mo Monday!

While we're not big on wishing (if wishes worked the Hutt would be long gone) we know some people put great stock in wishes. Birthday candles, shooting stars, and especially wishing wells. It's this last one that we feel the need to warn you about. We have discovered that Mo is fond of lurking in wishing wells, waiting for some naive and distracted person to come strolling by. And then, while your eyes are closed and you formulate you fondest desire, -bam- he strikes and you find yourself less one hand.

No one wishes for that

It is our suggestion that you save your wishes for safer places.

And how was your day, Spoof and Speck?

 
Seriously, is there something worse than hell? Because that's what Tartarus feels like. Something 10 times worse than hell. And the Hutt is it's overlord.

Tartarus may be in another dimension

It is summer, yes? Pretty much no matter where you live in the United States, July and August get pretty warm. Around Tartarus we've had several days in the upper 80's. Why then are all of our coworkers wearing sweaters?

This is what it has looked like all summer

Neppy wears a sweater Every. Single. Day. Heavy, only-wear-it-in-the-dead-of-winter, sweaters. Every day.

Today, Shoes came in wearing a heavy long sleeved sweater. When we saw Shoes 15 minutes later, that sweater had been removed to reveal...

-wait for it-

another sweater.

It's like those nesting dolls. Or Bartholomew Cubbins's Hats. Or Sammy the Dead Rat from Wayside School (look that last one up if you've never heard of it. It's a hoot.)

Are all of these people completely brain dead?

 
 

That's our kind of music

He's super Icky

Some time ago we told you about a character we were creating. We wanted him to say innocuous things in a creepy way. We asked you for some dialogue ideas and then never mentioned him again. At long last, he is ready for his unveiling. 

We introduce: Mr. Ichabod Jensen.

We love his crazy eyes and bad teeth

Ichabod loves making spaghetti for his secret crush. He'd like nothing more than to spend an evening stroking her hair and doing little things for her. Like tying her shoes. Ichabod's best friends call him Icky.

You can expect to hear more from Ichabod in the coming months. Again, if you have any lines that you think would be funny for him to say just let us know in the comments.

 

It's Mo Monday

Out for a walk this weekend we spied what we believe to be an old drain pipe sticking out of a hillside. Mo was instantly intrigued. He insisted that it looked like a victim screaming. After investigating the hole that served as it's mouth...

He immediately climbed up on it's hand to declare his triumph over it.

We have to admit, the thing looks terrified.

We're sharpening our pencils

We always think things can't get worse. And then they do.

Yesterday we told you about the creep, Mr. Ed. We have another story about him today.

Today we were scheduled to have an event at Tartarus. Projected attendance for the event was beyond the allowed capacity of our event space so we decided to hold the event on the main floor (this happens occasionally). At the same time as our event, there was also a scheduled meeting and a small group. Mr. Ed decided that the meeting could happen in our event space, since it would not be occupied. This left just the small group to place. Now, if we had been in charge we'd probably have told the group that they needed to find another place. We were all booked. No one else saw it that way. 

Of course not

Mr. Ed told them they could meet in an open area of the second floor. The only problem with this plan: that open area is essentially an open balcony that looks out on the area where we were having our event. Our event was a little bit loud. So was the small group.
 

Cause hearing another conversation when you're trying to pay attention isn't at all annoying.

This all would have been a minor annoyance if it weren't for Mr. Ed. Mr. Ed was very concerned about the small group. He was afraid that our event was interrupting the group. We actually heard him apologize to them at one point. We were never afforded this courtesy. Now, everything at Tartarus comes down to numbers. What events get the largest attendance? The small group: 8 people. Our event: nearly 200. So we ask you, which group should have taken precedence?

It makes us feel very stabby

 

Who doesn't love a secret

We may have previously mentioned, Tartarus has serious communication issues. No one ever tells anyone else what is going on. It's like the whole place is built on secrets and lies. 

And it's bound to fall down on us some day

And we all complain about the secrets. The loudest complaints come from a coworker we'll call Mr. Ed. Mr. Ed seems to think that the Hutt and Shoes have created some conspiracy to never tell him (specifically him, even if no one else knows what Mr. Ed doesn't know) anything. We hear this complaint from him weekly. He's also been known to bring up past incidents of not knowing constantly.

Now, previously we felt sorry for Mr. Ed. It did seem on occasion like people were intentionally excluding him from the flow of information. Then, this week, both Shoes and the Hutt went away for a few days. While they were away Mr. Ed was given some additional responsibilities (like snitching) of which he seemed inordinately proud. We overheard part of a conversation during which Mosquito told Mr. Ed about something that was going on this morning, something that might potentially affect all of us. Mr. Ed then failed to tell ANYONE about what Mosquito had told him. We thought perhaps, given his sensitivity to knowing what is going on, Mr. Ed might be better at communicating. Clearly we were wrong.

We'd like to punch that horsey face

 

I vant to suck your blood

It's time once again for Stuff Out of Context!

Today's line is: 
I usually get vampire bites on my hands.

 

Yes, those are vampire bites. You try drawing blood with just a black marker.

She's gonna get ya

Before Christmas, we introduced you to our friend Lil' Kelly. She of the Santa hat and pencil for stabbing. Now that it's summer, Lil' Kelly certainly can't be wearing a Santa hat. No, she has a new costume.

And now the explanation, because we are well aware that this outfit is impossible for the outside observer to understand. Up on her head is a coonskin cap. In her right hand, sort of hanging off of that pumpkin, is a muzzle. and the awesomeness she holds in her left hand is a wand. For rabies. Yes, you read that right. A rabies wand. To give people rabies. We'd explain further, but we fear that would be a lost cause. Best to just appreciate the rabies wand without question.


 

It's Mo Monday!

You take your elderly grandmother to see the sights. Her Bed and Breakfast (because you wouldn't put granny in some crummy motel, would you) isn't fully modernized so there's no elevator. They have one of those chair lifts instead. But when you go to help her onto the lift you realize it's already occupied. By a homicidal squirrel.

That's not for you, Mo. Not for you.

Not even our grandmothers are safe from Mo's rampage.

Mistakes were made

The other day, we were both away from Tartarus. Today, we heard all about the problems that happened while we were gone. Shoes was meant to cover the desk during lunches since the place was short-handed. Shoes never showed up, we were told. At first we felt really bad for everyone. "Shame on Shoes," we said. Then we heard the whole story. It goes kind of like this.

Lunch started and Shoes was nowhere in sight. "Go ahead and go," Opie said to Mr. Ed (new character - more on that later). 
"Don't you have a program after lunch, Opie," asked Mr. Ed. "I better stay. You go."
"It's fine," said Opie. "I'm sure Shoes will be along any second."
"If you're sure," said Mr. Ed. Then he left.

Error #1

Opie waited through the whole lunch. "Poor Opie," said Mr. Ed when he told us this story. "Opie had to end lunch early to start that program on time."

"Hold on a second," we said. "Why didn't you call Shoes?"

"We didn't know which office to call," said Mr. Ed.

"There's like four offices. It would take you maybe two minutes to call them all," we said.

"We never know where to find Shoes," repeated Mr. Ed.

"Did anyone even try finding Shoes," we tried again.

"I felt so bad for Opie," Mr. Ed said.

Error #2

Now, don't get us wrong. Shoes shoulders some blame. Shoes was supposed to be somewhere and didn't bother to show. This is a problem. Still, our sympathy for the others has entirely vanished.

We weep for humanity