2013 in review

That's right. We're bowing to social blogging pressure. This is our "best of" list for 2013.

Top Mo moment

 Maybe you should have a water instead Aka, this photo

Best Proof that we are artists

Our favorite post

 Of doorknobs and coffee pots
Though this cooler was a pretty close second



Most deserving Murder Goose victim

 The Hutt. Absolutely no question. The Hutt has been targeted four times already, and we've only been at this for six months.

Here
here
here
and here 

Weirdest thing out of context
"Once you eat an eyeball, you never go back."

We'd like to say that this is the weirdest thing you will ever read on this blog, but in all honesty, we already have several weirder quotes lined up for 2014.



Our favorite viral video

What does the fox say? - Ylvis

We love these guys. If you love this, you should check out their prank show videos. Hilarious!


Did you have a favorite post? Let us know in the comments.

It's Mo Monday

Winter has definitely arrived here. We've gotten several inches of snow here in Tartarus, enough snow to need to go out and shovel. Now, no one likes shoveling the walk. It's even less fun when you find a rabid squirrel waiting for you.

Look at him, mocking us.

He was laughing the whole time we were shoveling.

Merry Christmas part 3

A very, merry Christmas to you and yours from Spoof, Speck, and the whole gang.

And especially from Mo

 

Merry Christmas part 2

It's been a while since we saw our friend, the murder goose. As it turns out, Christmas is the goose's favorite time of year. Everyone acts insane. That means the goose goes on a spree. He sent us this photo of himself.

 

Merry Christmas, part 1

It's nearly Christmas and if you're anything like us you aren't nearly ready. Look at us. We didn't even get a post up yesterday. So, to make it up to all of you we're posting today. 

We have a number of angry little friends, all of whom actually like Christmas (though perhaps for different reasons than the rest of us). Here is one of them.

We call her Lil' Kelly.

Lil' Kelly is fond of stabbing people in the eye with pencils. See? She's going after that little bear. Even she has embraced the season, looking all festive in that Santa hat.

Have a closer look

Another favorite

Do you know the Potter Puppet Pals? Ever watched this on YouTube? We do, and we love it. These folks are hilarious. And this video is one of our favorites.

We welcome any suggestions for new favorites. Just leave us a comment.

Jimmy Duck does safety

We're all for safety, but doesn't this seem a little ridiculous?

Can't tell what's happening here? Let's look a little closer.

Yes, you saw that right. It is a wet floor sign. On the carpeting. Admittedly, the floor was wet. (We had a leak) But who in their right mind puts a wet floor sign on the carpet? Look at it. The little guy is slipping on the wet floor. No one slips on wet carpet.

Opie, meet the door

Do you remember the doorknob post ? If you haven't read that one, go give it a look. Go ahead. We'll wait.

.
.
.
.
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Good to go? Okay. After the coffee pot, we thought that was the end of Opie's door issues. Not so, friends. Not so. Listen to this.

Before we start this story, we feel the need to remind you that Opie has worked at Tartarus for 4 years. 4. 

Last week, Opie lost the key that unlocks the front door. Had no idea what happened to it in spite of being the last one to touch it. And then asked "is the front door unlocked?" The key is the only way to unlock the door. This is a fact that Opie should know by now. 

It's not just unlocking that confuses Opie. Apparently locking up is hard too. On four separate occasions, today included, Opie has failed to lock the front door at closing. Two of those times the alarm even got set, all the while Opie, who's responsibility it was at the time, didn't even look at the front door.

Opie even went through a phase of never closing any doors.

So we ask you, what is it about doors that Opie finds so difficult?

 

Devilishly complicated things, doors

Mo Monday

We've been finishing up our Christmas shopping, hitting the stores in search of bargains on the big ticket items. For a while now we've been debating the merits of various gaming systems. Those video game trial station things are a huge help. We've been known to haunt those things. Today, though, when we went to try out the Wii U, this is what we saw:

He's like one of those little kids who monopolizes the gaming stations.

When we tried to go past to look at a different system, Mo hissed and snarled at us! Apparently he's a bit of a gaming addict. So, there will be no new game systems for Spoof or Speck this year.

Time for a muffin song

We were talking today about our coworkers and, as occasionally happens, we randomly created a song. Or perhaps more accurately, several starts to a song. 

Was that confusing? Let us explain. You're probably all familiar with this song:

Yeah. We think it's annoying too. The thing is, it works when you change the lyrics. Imagine it this way.

Hey muffin, you're so fine. You're so fine the sun won't shine.

or

Hey muffin, you're so keen. You're so keen it makes me mean.

or

Hey muffin, you're so loved. You're so loved you're like a dove.

You're so great you ought to mate.
You're so cute you are a hoot.
You're so cool you make me drool.
You're so sweet I'll kiss your feet.
You're a gem; you're better than them.
You're so swell my jaw just fell.
You're out of sight; you are my light.
You're so neat you can't be beat.
You're so hot it hits the spot.
You are the poop, now give a whoop

or our very favorite

You are a mook, you make me puke. 

That's all we could think of. We welcome your input. If you can think of any lines, just leave them in the comments.

One of our favorite things

Today we thought we'd try out a new feature. We thought it might be nice to occasionally share something online that we find entertaining. Today's thing is a web comic: Savage Chickens. Have you ever seen this? This dude, who is absolutely stinkin' hi-larious, draws comics, usually of chickens, on post-it notes.


Here's one of our favorite comics:

We'll share more of our favorite things in a couple of weeks.

A little blog business

Hi Friends! Your friends Spoof and Speck here. We've had a great time this year, sharing our crazy stories with you. We'd like the fun to continue. To that end, we're looking for your help. What types of posts do you like best? What features do you love? Which ones do you hate? Is there anything you'd like to see more of? Leave us your suggestions in the comments. We'd like to start 2014 with a set-up that you all enjoy.

Thanks

We need more holidays

At Tartarus, there's this resistance to using the word "Christmas." We understand wanting to be multicultural and not wanting to offend anybody but you can take that to a ridiculous level. After finding a dozen different ways to say "Happy Holidays" it starts to look as if you have a Christmas phobia.

Santa! Snowmen! Candy canes! We've never been so scared!

What doesn't help the situation is that one Tartarus employee is a Jehovah's Witness. If you are unfamiliar with those folks, they don't celebrate anything. At all. This means that one of our coworkers can't be involved in anything Christmas related. This means that we are having a "winter cheer employee get-together". It seems we're not supposed to wish anyone a Merry Christmas. 

Imagine this is us reading that email.

As far as we can tell, most everyone, regardless of what they believe, is at least willing to wish you a Merry Christmas. So, we're having none of that. December is for holidays. In fact, even with Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanza, we think December could use another holiday.

Spoof and Speck are pleased to introduce a brand spanking new holiday. We call it Wagspll. Wagspll is the celebration of the beatification of St. Ignatius DeSquiggle. We honor the Saint by eating delicious food, drinking fancy coffee, and reenacting the famous battle of the farm animals. 

Wagspll may well be the best holiday ever.

It's Mo Monday!

Christmas is nearly here. We got down the tinsel, the twinkle lights (with much debate about the merits of mini lights vs C7), the glass balls, and the garland. All in preparation for our annual trip to the Christmas tree lot. 

We don't know about where you buy your trees, but our lot has a pretty good variety. We find we may spend hours browsing Scotch Pines and Douglas Firs. It's part of the holiday fun, usually followed by a trip to the coffee shop for hot drinks and pastry. This year, the fun was cut short.

Mo, don't ruin our Christmas.

What could we do? We grabbed the first acceptable tree and drove away as fast as we could. 

Let this be a lesson. Look carefully before you reach into your tree. You never know what could be lurking there.
Don't let this happen to you!

This doesn't look like help to us

Every December, Tartarus participates in a food drive for a local food pantry. Every December, you friends Spoof and Speck make a game of looking through the donated items, hunting for two things: the weirdest item and the most expired item. We're not even a week into December and we already have some likely candidates in both categories.

Most Expired

Microwaveable Spinach and cottage cheese

Expiration date: 6/12

Bonus points for weirdness

Fancy canned shrimp

Expiration date: 3/09

Decadent carrot cake mix

Expiration date: 2/10

Bonus points for being so beat up it looks like it's been through a flood

Right now, we're calling this one the winner. Shrimp is older, but imagine this box after you've run it over with your car.

Weirdest Item

Gefilte fish

(Ever seen that stuff? Yuck city)

Pork in it's own juices

(Ew. Just ew.)

"Noonie" cereal

(Who even buys cereal that calls itself noonie?)

Doesn't that just look tasty

Did you find it at the Wal-Mart?

Just in case you didn't have enough proof that the people we work with are all morons, listen to this story.

When the Zebra came back from lunch today he rushed right up to Spoof, a box in his hands. This was a box Spoof had put on the desk maybe ten minutes prior.

"Where did this come from," Zebra demanded.

"It was on the cart," said Spoof.

It is at this point we need to clarify something. Mail, supplies, all that stuff gets moved around Tartarus on a cart. 

Kind of like this one.

Take note, we said a cart. Just one. Singular. Only one cart for the whole building. That's important.

Zebra was quiet for a minute, then came back with this little gem of brilliance: "What cart?"

Friends, we stared at each other briefly before Spoof had the presence of mind to respond. "That cart," said Spoof, pointing at the cart. "You know, the cart."

"Huh?" said Zebra. 

These were pretty much our expressions during the exchange.

 What else could we do in the face of such stupidity? We walked away.

Two new characters

It's been a little while since we introduced some new characters to you. Here are two more weirdos we interact with on a daily basis.

Meet Spacey:

Much like the title character from the classic Cartoon Network show Cow and Chicken, Spacey does not lack in enthusiasm. The problem comes in when any sort of skill is involved. Two months on the job and Spacey still can't figure out how to work the phones. Literally every thing Spacey does requires extensive coaching and hand holding.


Meet Mork:

Ever see Mork and Mindy? You know how Mork gets all excited and talks really fast, says crazy stuff, doesn't stop no matter what the other person says, and you can barely understand him? One of our coworkers is a lot like that. Actually quite competent but so awkward that you avoid all contact.

You can expect to see Spacey and Mork in several upcoming posts.

In which we eat Alpo

Ever see the episode of Spongebob where Squidward finds the fancy grocery store? And he finds this:

If you're anything like us, you saw this and thought "who even thinks of something like this? Such a product could never exist."

Wrong. Very wrong.

At our local grocery store we came across this product:

For real, canned bread

.

Apparently it is largely a regional product and as we are both transplants, we'd never seen this particular confection before.  Color us intrigued.

After a lot of debate and intrigue we decided we must try it. And, us being us, we couldn't just try the foolish bread. We made it into a Secret Canned Bread Party (you may remember the secret donut party - it was a lot like that). It may well have been the best bread party ever. We even got Spider Hero to participate. 

So, here's what canned bread looks like.

To be honest, we were a little afraid it would be squishy and plop out of the can like dog food. It actually has a decent texture and wasn't horrible to eat. At least, no one went running for the trash can. 

If you'd like to host your own canned bread party, we recommend eating it hot with a smear of butter. 

Mo Monday

Did you go black Friday shopping? We do it all: Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, Cyber Monday. We used to enjoy shopping. Not anymore. Not since we saw Mo at the store.

Who does he expect to push this cart?

There were some great deals at this store but when we saw Mo, we turned and left. No savings are worth the risk of a squirrel chewing on your face.