True port-a-johns

It's time once again for Stuff Out of Context! Today's line is:

Who wouldn't want to go potty in a rocket?

They taste better than the mini-blinds

It's time once again for Stuff Out of Context! Today's line is:

I was sitting behind the tv, chewing on the curtains.

 

It's Mo Monday!

We never would have expected Mo to show an interest in something so innocent as Pez dispensers. And then he explained that he's a fan of anything that involves getting food by removing something's head. The world makes sense again. It's just a little bit more sad.

 

Greyhounds would be an entirely different story

It's time once again for Stuff Out of Context! Today's line is:

I won't be a sled dog with that woman.

 

It's Mo Monday!

If you are unfamiliar with Doctor Who, this robot-thing with Mo is called a Dalek. The Dalek's sole mission in life is to delete anything that is not a Dalek. In other words, exactly Mo's type of creature.

 

We love the especially stinky kind

It's time once again for Stuff Out of Context! Today's line is:

That's my favorite hobby, smelling fish.

It's Mo Monday!

Let's try another caption contest. Enter your best caption in the comments. We'll dedicate a special post to the winner in September.

Kosher dills go great with kung pao

It's time once again for Stuff Out of Context! Today's line is:

Pickles are the new egg rolls.

It's Mo Monday!

Ever mis-read the title of a book and find yourself disappointed by the reality? It happens to all of us, even Mo. He saw this book and read the title as "The Unbeatable Squirrel". He loved the portrayal of squirrels but was confused the repeat appearances of a weird lady with a squirrel tail.

 

All fruit should taste of spandex

It's time once again for Stuff Out of Context! Today's line is:

The mango I just ate tasted nothing like a bathing suit.

 

It's Mo Monday!

When you see someone with a shovel you might think "Cool, he's into gardening." Seeing Mo with the same shovel brings only dread.

 

It came from the Goodwill

This looks like the result of some kind of Toy Story gone wrong.

We know it used to be a thing for women to make their own dolls, but who buys this many doll heads? And then doesn't make the dolls? Were they just lined up on a shelf somewhere?

Better than an eggplant with hair

It's time once again for Stuff Out of Context! Today's line is:

If you want to look like a potato with legs...

 

It's Mo Monday!

It seems Mo never changes. He's constantly searching for the perfect minions. This week he's latched onto this collection of miniature dinosaurs in hopes that he can grow them into full sized monsters. We can be grateful that he doesn't recognize rubber. These little toys may well keep his attention for a few weeks before he acknowledges that they aren't growing.

 

Doors redux

We've posted in the past about Opie's difficulties with doors (here and here, if you missed them). It's been years, so we thought maybe Opie had finally figured how how to work a door.

Most recently, Opie walked up to a door and stood there waiting for it to open. To be clear, there is not a sing automatic door in all of Tartarus, nor has there ever been. Every single door in the building has always required the user to turn a handle. And Opie has worked at Tartarus for YEARS. Apparently, Opie expects even inanimate objects to jump to his will the way people do.

Or maybe he just flunked out of Hogwarts

 

Belching, on the other hand...

It's time once again for Stuff Out of Context! Today's line is:

Farting makes you zen.

 

It's Mo Monday!

Uncle Sam was created to inspire patriotism, to encourage young men to join the army. Uncle Mo inspires fear and dread, encourages young men to hide under their beds and weep.

 

It came from the Goodwill

We have no idea what this thing is intended to be. We can only assume it serves some terribly evil purpose. Could it be anything else, with a face like that?
 

He can fit you in a week from Thursday

It's time once again for Stuff Out of Context! Today's line is:

When is a good time for the eye-poking pterodactyl to visit?

 

Did we miss a memo?

We've written before about how some of our coworkers have taken to wearing water shoes  to Tartarus. The illness is spreading. It's gotten so bad that we see more water shoes than regular shoes. 

Now, we'll grant them that the Tartarus dress code is vague. The only footwear specifically forbidden is flipflops. Apart from that our dress code only states that we must wear "professional shoes". (It also says we must have "professional hair", but that's a story for another day.) Mostly, we take that to mean no running shoes, but we'd have thought the ban would extend to water shoes. Apparently not, as no one but us thinks these shoes are a problem.

Part of the unofficial Tartarus uniform, apparently

 

It's Mo Monday!

We'd hoped Mo would be satisfied with trying to take over the world. We were wrong. He's set his sights on the heavens. On the one hand, he's not likely to succeed. On the other hand, the havoc he could cause if he does...
 

Her mascara is parentheses

It's time once again for Stuff Out of Context! Today's line is:

Commas are just like eye shadow.

It's Mo Monday!

What is it about summer that makes people make questionable fashion choices? We see it all this time of year: cropped tank tops, floppy flowered hats, socks with sandals, novelty sunglasses....

Stick your ideas in your eye

Hickey's thinking cap returns! We encourage you, if you have any other ideas of wrong ways to wear a thinking cap, let us know in the comments. We may adapt you idea into one of these posts.

 

It works best if you pair it with the special salad

It's time once again for Stuff Out of Context! Today's line is:

I'm going on a diet because I want a giraffe neck too.

 

It's Mo Monday!

We thought there was nothing worse than Mo's threats and murderous actions. We were wrong. He spent much of the weekend literally at the drawing board, muttering to himself and drawing frantically. Unknown plans are far worse.

 

Maybe my sneakers could give me a loan?

It's time once again for Stuff Out of Context! Today's line is:

My shoes could only buy one panda.

 

It came from the Goodwill

If Jigsaw had a family and they went caroling, it would probably look something like this.

 

They stock a special sort of book

It's time once again for Stuff Out of Context! Today's line is:

Maybe the library is really a secret society. 

 

It's Mo Monday!

Did your mother ever tell you not to sit too closely to the television? Mo's didn't. Or maybe he didn't listen. We tried to tell him but he almost too off our fingers. We say, let him ruin his eyes.

 

Hats work better if you choose the right size

Here's another image of Hickey's thinking cap. This one is so tight it makes her eyes bug out.

And how would you react?

It's time once again for Stuff Out of Context! Today's line is:

A kid swallows an eyeball and she says I'm overreacting. 

 

It's Mo Monday!

Here's something we haven't done before. We are providing a photo of Mo. You provide the caption. The best caption wins a special dedicated post here on the Death Stare.

Here's your photo:

 

Can you say "anal-retentive"?

We had every intention of following up on our "hickey thinking cap" post of last week but this story was so stupid we just had to tell it.

Observe the directions we received this week from Shoes.

That's right, step by step, incredibly specific, directions for cutting up scrap paper. To this we can only say Why? Who cares if the scrap paper isn't all exactly the same size. ITS SCRAP PAPER! And the worst part is, from what we can tell Shoes spent at least a week on this "project". 

 

The most sensible place to get pinched

It's time once again for Stuff Out of Context! Today's line is:

I just got pinched in my pinching place.

It's Mo Monday!

Sometimes the things we catch Mo doing are frightening. Sometimes they're just weird. We were talking about Star Wars day in Mo's hearing. He was quite intrigued by the notion of lightsabers. Luckily, we didn't have any on hand, just this toy speeder bike. Mo immediately pushed off the figure of Luke Skywalker and took his place. We crept away before he could discover that it wasn't going to move.

 

A holey hat holds no thoughts

Like many people, Hickey has been heard to say "I'm putting on my thinking cap." Unlike most people, Hickey's thinking cap doesn't seem to be very helpful. We recently discovered Hickey has had to print out a guide to alphabetical order.
This has lead us to speculate what Hickey's thinking cap might look like. You can expect posts where we show images of the thinking cap in the coming weeks. We also encourage you to share your own interpretations in the comments.

Ironically, this fellow's name is Dumb Donald

 

The llama is missing it's left foreleg

It's time once again for Stuff Out Of Context! Today's line is:

I don't have any plastic goat butts.

 

It's Mo Monday!

We've said it before and we'll say it again: don't give dangerous objects to the homicidal squirrel! Who gave Mo a soldering iron?

 

The return of Jimmy Duck

Here's a feature we'd pretty much forgotten: The Everyday Adventures of Jimmy Duck. In case you've forgotten (like we had) or are new to our blog, this is where we feature weird and funny things we've seen or heard at work. This is not to be confused with the Dunce Corner, where we feature the "so stupid it's funny" things we've heard at work.

Here are a few gems we've heard in recent weeks:

I don't want to drink bathroom germs.

Can't blame them on that

What's your sister Sue's name?

Hey now. I can be a ding-dong if I want to. 

She was doing a pretty good job of it, too

 

My nose and eyes are okay

It's time once again for Stuff Out of Context! Today's line is:

My ears have seen too much today.

 

It's Mo Monday!

Did you get a visit from the Easter Bunny yesterday? We awoke, eager for chocolate treats and colored eggs, only to find an horrific scene left by a violent squirrel. Another holiday ruined by Rabid Mo.

That was smart.

When you order something that is too large to fit into your mailbox, often the post office or UPS or whoever will do their best to disguise it somewhere. Like putting the box between a regular door and a screen door. Like this:
 

No one will ever know it's there!