2013 in review

That's right. We're bowing to social blogging pressure. This is our "best of" list for 2013.

Top Mo moment

 Maybe you should have a water instead Aka, this photo

Best Proof that we are artists

Our favorite post

 Of doorknobs and coffee pots
Though this cooler was a pretty close second



Most deserving Murder Goose victim

 The Hutt. Absolutely no question. The Hutt has been targeted four times already, and we've only been at this for six months.

Here
here
here
and here 

Weirdest thing out of context
"Once you eat an eyeball, you never go back."

We'd like to say that this is the weirdest thing you will ever read on this blog, but in all honesty, we already have several weirder quotes lined up for 2014.



Our favorite viral video

What does the fox say? - Ylvis

We love these guys. If you love this, you should check out their prank show videos. Hilarious!


Did you have a favorite post? Let us know in the comments.

It's Mo Monday

Winter has definitely arrived here. We've gotten several inches of snow here in Tartarus, enough snow to need to go out and shovel. Now, no one likes shoveling the walk. It's even less fun when you find a rabid squirrel waiting for you.

Look at him, mocking us.

He was laughing the whole time we were shoveling.

Merry Christmas part 3

A very, merry Christmas to you and yours from Spoof, Speck, and the whole gang.

And especially from Mo

 

Merry Christmas part 2

It's been a while since we saw our friend, the murder goose. As it turns out, Christmas is the goose's favorite time of year. Everyone acts insane. That means the goose goes on a spree. He sent us this photo of himself.

 

Merry Christmas, part 1

It's nearly Christmas and if you're anything like us you aren't nearly ready. Look at us. We didn't even get a post up yesterday. So, to make it up to all of you we're posting today. 

We have a number of angry little friends, all of whom actually like Christmas (though perhaps for different reasons than the rest of us). Here is one of them.

We call her Lil' Kelly.

Lil' Kelly is fond of stabbing people in the eye with pencils. See? She's going after that little bear. Even she has embraced the season, looking all festive in that Santa hat.

Have a closer look

Another favorite

Do you know the Potter Puppet Pals? Ever watched this on YouTube? We do, and we love it. These folks are hilarious. And this video is one of our favorites.

We welcome any suggestions for new favorites. Just leave us a comment.

Jimmy Duck does safety

We're all for safety, but doesn't this seem a little ridiculous?

Can't tell what's happening here? Let's look a little closer.

Yes, you saw that right. It is a wet floor sign. On the carpeting. Admittedly, the floor was wet. (We had a leak) But who in their right mind puts a wet floor sign on the carpet? Look at it. The little guy is slipping on the wet floor. No one slips on wet carpet.

Opie, meet the door

Do you remember the doorknob post ? If you haven't read that one, go give it a look. Go ahead. We'll wait.

.
.
.
.
.

Good to go? Okay. After the coffee pot, we thought that was the end of Opie's door issues. Not so, friends. Not so. Listen to this.

Before we start this story, we feel the need to remind you that Opie has worked at Tartarus for 4 years. 4. 

Last week, Opie lost the key that unlocks the front door. Had no idea what happened to it in spite of being the last one to touch it. And then asked "is the front door unlocked?" The key is the only way to unlock the door. This is a fact that Opie should know by now. 

It's not just unlocking that confuses Opie. Apparently locking up is hard too. On four separate occasions, today included, Opie has failed to lock the front door at closing. Two of those times the alarm even got set, all the while Opie, who's responsibility it was at the time, didn't even look at the front door.

Opie even went through a phase of never closing any doors.

So we ask you, what is it about doors that Opie finds so difficult?

 

Devilishly complicated things, doors

Mo Monday

We've been finishing up our Christmas shopping, hitting the stores in search of bargains on the big ticket items. For a while now we've been debating the merits of various gaming systems. Those video game trial station things are a huge help. We've been known to haunt those things. Today, though, when we went to try out the Wii U, this is what we saw:

He's like one of those little kids who monopolizes the gaming stations.

When we tried to go past to look at a different system, Mo hissed and snarled at us! Apparently he's a bit of a gaming addict. So, there will be no new game systems for Spoof or Speck this year.

Time for a muffin song

We were talking today about our coworkers and, as occasionally happens, we randomly created a song. Or perhaps more accurately, several starts to a song. 

Was that confusing? Let us explain. You're probably all familiar with this song:

Yeah. We think it's annoying too. The thing is, it works when you change the lyrics. Imagine it this way.

Hey muffin, you're so fine. You're so fine the sun won't shine.

or

Hey muffin, you're so keen. You're so keen it makes me mean.

or

Hey muffin, you're so loved. You're so loved you're like a dove.

You're so great you ought to mate.
You're so cute you are a hoot.
You're so cool you make me drool.
You're so sweet I'll kiss your feet.
You're a gem; you're better than them.
You're so swell my jaw just fell.
You're out of sight; you are my light.
You're so neat you can't be beat.
You're so hot it hits the spot.
You are the poop, now give a whoop

or our very favorite

You are a mook, you make me puke. 

That's all we could think of. We welcome your input. If you can think of any lines, just leave them in the comments.

One of our favorite things

Today we thought we'd try out a new feature. We thought it might be nice to occasionally share something online that we find entertaining. Today's thing is a web comic: Savage Chickens. Have you ever seen this? This dude, who is absolutely stinkin' hi-larious, draws comics, usually of chickens, on post-it notes.


Here's one of our favorite comics:

We'll share more of our favorite things in a couple of weeks.

A little blog business

Hi Friends! Your friends Spoof and Speck here. We've had a great time this year, sharing our crazy stories with you. We'd like the fun to continue. To that end, we're looking for your help. What types of posts do you like best? What features do you love? Which ones do you hate? Is there anything you'd like to see more of? Leave us your suggestions in the comments. We'd like to start 2014 with a set-up that you all enjoy.

Thanks

We need more holidays

At Tartarus, there's this resistance to using the word "Christmas." We understand wanting to be multicultural and not wanting to offend anybody but you can take that to a ridiculous level. After finding a dozen different ways to say "Happy Holidays" it starts to look as if you have a Christmas phobia.

Santa! Snowmen! Candy canes! We've never been so scared!

What doesn't help the situation is that one Tartarus employee is a Jehovah's Witness. If you are unfamiliar with those folks, they don't celebrate anything. At all. This means that one of our coworkers can't be involved in anything Christmas related. This means that we are having a "winter cheer employee get-together". It seems we're not supposed to wish anyone a Merry Christmas. 

Imagine this is us reading that email.

As far as we can tell, most everyone, regardless of what they believe, is at least willing to wish you a Merry Christmas. So, we're having none of that. December is for holidays. In fact, even with Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanza, we think December could use another holiday.

Spoof and Speck are pleased to introduce a brand spanking new holiday. We call it Wagspll. Wagspll is the celebration of the beatification of St. Ignatius DeSquiggle. We honor the Saint by eating delicious food, drinking fancy coffee, and reenacting the famous battle of the farm animals. 

Wagspll may well be the best holiday ever.

It's Mo Monday!

Christmas is nearly here. We got down the tinsel, the twinkle lights (with much debate about the merits of mini lights vs C7), the glass balls, and the garland. All in preparation for our annual trip to the Christmas tree lot. 

We don't know about where you buy your trees, but our lot has a pretty good variety. We find we may spend hours browsing Scotch Pines and Douglas Firs. It's part of the holiday fun, usually followed by a trip to the coffee shop for hot drinks and pastry. This year, the fun was cut short.

Mo, don't ruin our Christmas.

What could we do? We grabbed the first acceptable tree and drove away as fast as we could. 

Let this be a lesson. Look carefully before you reach into your tree. You never know what could be lurking there.
Don't let this happen to you!

This doesn't look like help to us

Every December, Tartarus participates in a food drive for a local food pantry. Every December, you friends Spoof and Speck make a game of looking through the donated items, hunting for two things: the weirdest item and the most expired item. We're not even a week into December and we already have some likely candidates in both categories.

Most Expired

Microwaveable Spinach and cottage cheese

Expiration date: 6/12

Bonus points for weirdness

Fancy canned shrimp

Expiration date: 3/09

Decadent carrot cake mix

Expiration date: 2/10

Bonus points for being so beat up it looks like it's been through a flood

Right now, we're calling this one the winner. Shrimp is older, but imagine this box after you've run it over with your car.

Weirdest Item

Gefilte fish

(Ever seen that stuff? Yuck city)

Pork in it's own juices

(Ew. Just ew.)

"Noonie" cereal

(Who even buys cereal that calls itself noonie?)

Doesn't that just look tasty

Did you find it at the Wal-Mart?

Just in case you didn't have enough proof that the people we work with are all morons, listen to this story.

When the Zebra came back from lunch today he rushed right up to Spoof, a box in his hands. This was a box Spoof had put on the desk maybe ten minutes prior.

"Where did this come from," Zebra demanded.

"It was on the cart," said Spoof.

It is at this point we need to clarify something. Mail, supplies, all that stuff gets moved around Tartarus on a cart. 

Kind of like this one.

Take note, we said a cart. Just one. Singular. Only one cart for the whole building. That's important.

Zebra was quiet for a minute, then came back with this little gem of brilliance: "What cart?"

Friends, we stared at each other briefly before Spoof had the presence of mind to respond. "That cart," said Spoof, pointing at the cart. "You know, the cart."

"Huh?" said Zebra. 

These were pretty much our expressions during the exchange.

 What else could we do in the face of such stupidity? We walked away.

Two new characters

It's been a little while since we introduced some new characters to you. Here are two more weirdos we interact with on a daily basis.

Meet Spacey:

Much like the title character from the classic Cartoon Network show Cow and Chicken, Spacey does not lack in enthusiasm. The problem comes in when any sort of skill is involved. Two months on the job and Spacey still can't figure out how to work the phones. Literally every thing Spacey does requires extensive coaching and hand holding.


Meet Mork:

Ever see Mork and Mindy? You know how Mork gets all excited and talks really fast, says crazy stuff, doesn't stop no matter what the other person says, and you can barely understand him? One of our coworkers is a lot like that. Actually quite competent but so awkward that you avoid all contact.

You can expect to see Spacey and Mork in several upcoming posts.

In which we eat Alpo

Ever see the episode of Spongebob where Squidward finds the fancy grocery store? And he finds this:

If you're anything like us, you saw this and thought "who even thinks of something like this? Such a product could never exist."

Wrong. Very wrong.

At our local grocery store we came across this product:

For real, canned bread

.

Apparently it is largely a regional product and as we are both transplants, we'd never seen this particular confection before.  Color us intrigued.

After a lot of debate and intrigue we decided we must try it. And, us being us, we couldn't just try the foolish bread. We made it into a Secret Canned Bread Party (you may remember the secret donut party - it was a lot like that). It may well have been the best bread party ever. We even got Spider Hero to participate. 

So, here's what canned bread looks like.

To be honest, we were a little afraid it would be squishy and plop out of the can like dog food. It actually has a decent texture and wasn't horrible to eat. At least, no one went running for the trash can. 

If you'd like to host your own canned bread party, we recommend eating it hot with a smear of butter. 

Mo Monday

Did you go black Friday shopping? We do it all: Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, Cyber Monday. We used to enjoy shopping. Not anymore. Not since we saw Mo at the store.

Who does he expect to push this cart?

There were some great deals at this store but when we saw Mo, we turned and left. No savings are worth the risk of a squirrel chewing on your face.

We are busy little bees

Hello blog friends! Spoof and Speck here. We know you are expecting our usual hilarity today. Sadly we are busy getting ready for our Thanksgiving dinners.

Don't cry friends. It's just for a day.

Since you won't hear from us again until Friday, we thought we'd leave you with this video. Imagine it as us, getting ready for the big meal.

Have a very Happy Thanksgiving.

Delivery from Lassie

You know what bugs us? When people get flowers at work then have to keep them out on the central desk so every single person who walks through the door can ooo and ahhh over them. 

We have one particular coworker who gets flowers often. Not just for birthdays and anniversaries. No, this Lambikins gets flowers at least every other month for heaven only knows what reason. 

Oh look, even more flowers for Lambikins

One time, trying to be friendly, we asked "who are the flowers from?" Lambikins blustered for a minute before finally saying, "I don't think I can tell you."

 

Seriously?

If that weren't bad enough, the most recent bouquet came this week. Lambikins smiled one of those secret smiles while reading the card. Boyfriend, we figured. Oh no. The flowers were from her dog. Her dog! Apparently the pooch had been misbehaving and "sent flowers to apologize."

Does that make sense in your world?

We think we need flowers too. Maybe from Rabid Mo. Or from the chair that broke while Speck was sitting in it.

It's Mo Monday!

We knew Mo was wily. We knew he wasn't above enlisting other animals in his plots. We didn't know he would stoop this low. How can he consult with a rat?

We don't think they're planning to train turtles in karate.

It might not be immediately obvious from this photo, but the rat is on the other side of a window. Mo is so charismatic that he can charm a rodent without even being clearly heard. We pity the poor folk inside that building. With rats working for him Mo will have access to everyone.

Nothing better than a mask

In the time that we've worked at Tartarus, we've been in an ongoing feud with the Hutt. One of our main issues of contention is costumes. Your friends Spoof and Speck love wearing costumes. We find every excuse we can to wear a costume at work. 

Happy Easter, from Spoof and Speck

Happy Halloween from Spoof and Speck

Happy Return-to-new-episodes-of-Sherlock from Spoof and Speck

The Hutt, on the other hand, has a general disdain for costuming. Generally speaking, the times that we've been allowed to wear costumes the permission has come only grudgingly and with a lot of rules (nothing frightening, only one day, only after lunch, and on and on). Usually when we costume the Hutt looks at us with barely restrained disgust. The only exception to this hatred is the Hutt's favorites. If any of the favorite employees wear a costume they are fawned over for minutes at a time (even if the "costume" is ears made from pipe cleaners). 

Honestly, that hatred only fuels our desire to put on fake beards and capes.

The costume battle took an interesting turn this Halloween. This year, a large percentage of staff members arrived at Tartarus in costume. Customers thought we were amazing. The Hutt was thrilled. We found out later that the Hutt claimed to have arranged the whole thing. It was actually Spoof.

We dressed up again this week for a program, this time just the two of us. We looked amazing, if we do say so ourselves. Photos were taken. There may even have been a t.v. interview. The Hutt again is taking the credit. Funny how that happens.

All we can say is this:

We are slightly awesome!

(This link might be a little confusing. When you get to the new page, you want to click the little pink triangle in the top right-hand box. We could not find a YouTube video for this song)

Pigs say oink

Inspiration for today's post comes from the YouTube sensation, that popular Ylvis song, What Does the Fox Say.

Unfamiliar with the song? Shame on you. Here. Educate yourself. (If you know the song, feel free to skip the video. (Of course if you're anything like us you'll use this opportunity to watch it again. And again. Maybe fifty times in a row. What can we say. It speaks to us.))

"Okay, Spoof and Speck," you're saying, "I watched the video. So what?"

We were thinking about this song today and couldn't help but think of our own lyrics for the chorus. We call it "What does the dope say" and much like Ylvis's fox, the dope says a lot of different things. Here's a sampling.

What does the dope say:

I don't know how to make change.

Let me call you about something stupid I forgot to tell you two weeks ago.

Tell me again how we need to close up tonight.

I have Tartarus on the phone for you.

Is Speck here today (said after talking to Speck)

Should the stapler be on the right or the left?

I can't find my car.

Does the label maker need a label?

I think my cat might be allergic to gluten.

Do we answer the phone when it rings?

We swear, this is what it looks like every day in Tartarus.

 

This dude is famous

We're convinced that every town has it's own celebrity. Sometimes it's a police officer or firefighter who saved a bunch of people. Sometimes it's a news reporter or something, a true personality. In our town, the big celebrity is none of these things. To be honest, we're not 100% certain why he's famous.

Meet the Big B.

No, not that bee.

At first glance, the Big B is nothing special. He isn't anybody particularly important. He works at a convenience store. He isn't connected to anyone important. Still, people love him.

Weird, right?

When you go into the store, if there are two cashiers working, more people wait in the Big B's line. We were in a different store one day. The guy in front of us suddenly whooped. "Sorry," he said. "I'm just super excited. I just got a text from the Big B. We're going clubbing!"

We are not immune to the allure of the B. We refer to buying a drink from the convenience store as "getting some ice cold Big B." One day, the Big B came into Tartarus and walked right up to Spoof. We could hardly speak, we were so shocked and happy to see him.  

We didn't quite beg him for a photo.

So, in conclusion, we don't understand the pull of the Big B. We just know how things are. Who knows, we might have more B stories for you someday soon.

Here are the SNL bees one more time, just because.

It's another Mo Monday

Construction workers beware! Recently, our parking lot was renovated. Don't get us wrong: the renovation was a good thing. Random 3-step staircases lining the walkways? Yeah. That's a good idea. Sure. Anyway, we were super stoked about the upcoming new and improved, staircase free lot until we spied this:

Where doesn't this squirrel go?

Luckily Mo didn't seem to be interested in us. Rather, he was eying a particularly large construction worker from behind that stack of cones. We think maybe he is planning a barbeque. Maybe a luau.

Let's play a game

Today we are playing Good Idea, Bad Idea : the Hutt edition. 

According to the Hutt:

Bad Idea = Sitting at the desk, working on some planning in a binder.

Looking lazy, Spoof and Speck

Good Idea = Sitting at the desk, screwing around on Pinterest and Tumblr.

There's the kind of productivity we like to see.

Bad Idea = Replacing equipment because it is damaged.

You can make that work.

Good Idea = Replacing equipment because it is "ugly".

That ain't Kermit

Today's paining leads us to a number of questions. Where did such a big frog come from? How has that guy not noticed it? And most importantly, is the frog going to eat the guy or is the guy leading the frog by it's tongue? We leave it up to you to decide.

In fact, we're asking for your input. We're making this painting a caption contest. Send us your funniest caption in the comments. We'll post our favorite December 1st.

This guy looks suspiciously happy to be licked by a giant frog

Your very own sampler plate

Usually we share one, big, funny story with. Today that didn't happen. Instead we have as series of stupid anecdote for you. Enjoy.

1. When we opened up this morning, our computers were out of order. Zebra went around and posted signs. Immediately afterward (we're talking less than a minute later) someone asked to use a computer. Zebra's response? "Sure."

2. Shoes flipped out because someone else got an email, was in a panic over not seeing this email yet. The email was waiting in Shoes' account. 

You can't get information 30 seconds before me!

3. Our newest employee has worked in Tartarus for a month now and still can't figure out how to use our phones. Even "hold" eludes this person.

Do I push 'hold' or 'out'?

4. Spoof followed protocol and emailed the Hutt about a possible program. The Hutt replied "you should have emailed Opie first. Opie would be the one to do it." Firstly, this thing isn't even scheduled. We're supposed to ask the Hutt first. Secondly, why is everything Opie's? 

Barely holding it together here.

5. A patron in Tartarus argued with the new employee about a fine this afternoon. Things were getting out of control. Shoes, who is supposed to handle these things, was sitting right there, in earshot, and ignored the entire exchange.

Because ignoring a problem always makes it go away.

 So that's the story of our day. In general this kind of stuff happens every day.