Rusty, episode 1

We have a new kind of artwork for you. Spoof and Speck have started a comic strip we call Rusty Won't Die. It chronicles the misadventures of a fellow named Rusty in a dangerous world. We'll share new episodes with you occasionally.

New Characters

Spoof and Speck are pleased to bring you some new characters. 

Tempy - As you may have guessed from the name, Tempy is a temp, hired to help the Hutt complete some tedious office work. Tempy witnessed a Hutt blow out her first week at Tartarus. Tempy was also included in our staff photo (which also includes summer staff) on our website.

Spider Hero - Everyone's favorite custodian. When Tartarus was closed so the staff could go to a training seminar, Spider Hero had to go in alone with a rather angry list of tasks set for him by the Hutt. He is a semi-frequent target of the Hutt's wrath even though he never deserves it.

Miss Americuh - This wacko comes into Tartarus on a regular basis, often bringing along at least one of her children, all three of whom are named after places. Anything that is wrong in her world is never her fault. Imagine the most irritating person you've ever met. Miss Americuh is probably worse. Also, she believes that the government is poisoning us but we're protected by sky spirits. 

Pinky and Stinky - Named after a pair of cartoon pigs. Stinky has no concept of personal hygiene. Pinky is the smaller, so-pale-you're-practically-albino, friend.

Angel Boo-Boo - This one must be some distant relative of the Honey Boo Boo clan. Seriously. She looks and acts like she could fit seamlessly into the show. Her brother is named after a Norse god.

New Feature - The Dunce Corner

We've been collecting these for a while and thought we'd share a few of the spelling, grammar, and other assorted errors some of our coworkers have made either in a public place or while dealing with a patron.

prisnor

"is be held" ... "at the meeting room" (this is part of a single run-on sentence actually posted on our website)

Sid Arthur (this was intended to be Siddhartha)

Thursday, August 31 (bear in mind, we're talking about the current year)

Twice this summer presenter's names have been misspelled on posters and in Press Releases that Shoes made.


This is only a highlight. As we encounter more we'll share them with you.

I don't make mistakes

Some time ago, poor Spoof had to sit through a series of management classes with Shoes and the Hutt. So, picture Spoof:

Meanwhile, the Hutt and Shoes are acting like this is the best, most interesting class ever. Got that picture?

Spoof says that they spent the entire class talking about how wonderful they were. 
     "We're always out on the floor" (half of the people who come to Tartarus have no idea who either of them are) 
     "I never yell" (the Hutt doesn't seem to be able to speak at a normal decibel. It's normal speaking voice is a yell) 
     "I listen to everything my employees say" (they are champions at dismissing employee suggestions without consideration)
     "I never make scheduling mistakes"

It's this final point that we'd like to discuss today. Never is a pretty strong word. Even very careful people make mistakes occasionally. We're human; it happens. No big deal. We would wager, though, that the Hutt makes more than the average number of scheduling mistakes. Take this week, for example.

Several people are away this week, leaving us rather shorthanded at the main desk. We're working around it. The Hutt did not notice that there is one day that Speck is scheduled to work the desk for three hours completely alone. Those three hours include closing. No one is ever supposed to be alone in Tartarus. It's a safety issue. And at closing, there is just too much for one person to do alone. Oversights happen, so we pointed it out to the Hutt. We got no response. So, we pointed it out again. Said the Hutt, "oh. Huh." No suggestions what we should do about it. Just "huh." Finally, someone volunteered to work with Speck, settling the issue. 

Now, if this were a singular event it wouldn't be so bad. But this is the third time this kind of major scheduling mistake has been made in the last year. 

No, Hutt, you never make mistakes.

A warning from Spoof and Speck

Beware of the dreaded birthday Mo. He comes to your door disguised as a party guest. Do not trust him. He may look cute and cuddly but he has a nefarious purpose. Once you let him in, he'll release the balloons and lose the festive hat and the next thing you know, he's clamped to your jugular.

Don't be fooled. He's a killer.

Holy overshare, Batman

Do you remember Newton? Our volunteer? The one who can't cut for beans? Yeah, we have another story about Newton for you today.

So, Newton comes in this morning to sign in and immediately excused himself "'cause I have to use the bathroom." Hey, pee whenever you want. We don't care. No big deal, right?

Ten minutes later, he comes back. "Sorry it took me so long," he says.

"Don't worry about it," we say. All we want is for him to sign in and get to work. 

But no. Newton is having none of that. "Sorry," he says, "it took me longer than normal because I had to go number two."

Ewww. Bad Newton.

No no no! What possesses someone to say a thing like that?! And of course that wasn't the end of it. He came back repeatedly for paper towel to wipe the sweat off of his head. Really, though, the over share alone was enough to turn the whole day the wrong way.

Why do we put up with this stuff?

Of zebras and Veggie Tales

So, the other day the Hutt announced that we have a new employee coming in a few weeks.  We don't know about where you work, but in Tartarus we cyberstalk new employees the first chance we get.  We, along with coworker Buck, were alone today and got to talking about the new guy. Speck started calling him Zebra (it's a long story). Buck said, "No, you can't call him that. I don't know what he is yet. Once I meet him, we can name him."

Excuse you? Who gave Buck the authority to tell us what we can nickname someone? For that reason alone, the new guy may be stuck with Zebra as a name.

We hope he's as cool as this zebra

Of course, our next step was to look him up on Facebook. We just wanted some idea of what we might be in for since the Hutt tends to hire some awful people. Buck looked at the Zebra's page for a minute, maybe, then immediately declared him "a religious nut." Seriously, the guy had liked Veggie Tales and a couple of Christian bands. Absolutely nothing on his page even neared "nut" territory. So, Speck committed the ultimate sin (apparently) of disagreeing, declaring "I like some of that stuff."

Liking these guys makes you crazy, apparently.

"On Facebook?" said Buck, and friends there is no way to convey the level of disbelief and disapproval in his voice when he said it in writing. Let's just say Speck was immediately angry.

When Speck nodded, Buck just rolled his eyes. "I guarantee, within a week, he'll do something completely crazy."

Our minds are blown.

It came from the sea

Today, Spoof and Speck bring you another painting. As with the last one, this is a modified magazine page.

So, get this

When you hear PSA what do you think of? Some of you may answer "Professional Squash Association" (that's a real thing by the way) but more than likely most of you will say "Public Service Announcement."

And what is a Public Service Announcement? Wikipedia provides this definition: "messages in the public interest disseminated by the media without charge, with the objective of raising awareness, changing public attitudes and behavior towards a social issue."

We've all seen a PSA, probably teaching us about drugs, AIDS, or tolerance.

If you're like us, you immediately imagined this logo and are currently singing the little jingle in your head.

Hey, Spoof and Speck, you are saying. What's the deal? This is really boring. Where's your usual witty observations? Don't worry friends. We're almost there.

The thing is, Shoes talks about PSAs all of the time. A ridiculous amount of Shoes' week is spent writing PSAs. We do not work for any kind of public health/social justice nonprofit organization. Remember that Wikipedia definition? PSAs are about social issues. We send information about programs and events. Press Releases.

What we, Shoes included, send out looks more like this:

Sample Press Release

and nothing at all like this:

Any questions?

 And in case you've forgotten who we're talking about, Shoes is the Hutt's minion. Shoes has power, is somewhat in charge of us. 

So now it's your turn. What else could PSA be an acronym for? Share your funniest answers in the comments. Our favorite will be featured here on Falling Down the Death Stare in late September.

The Hutt strikes again

We thought it would be nice this summer to have a drawing. In May, we asked the Hutt to buy three gift cards to use as prizes. "Sounds good," said the Hutt.

With a written plan and emails recording the conversation, we went ahead with the drawing as planned, trusting the Hutt to do as we all agreed.

Silly Spoof and Speck. Don't celebrate yet.

So, last week our drawing ended. We pulled the names and got ready to contact the winners. Spoof had reservations. "Maybe we should verify that we have the cards here before we call anyone."

That turned out to be a good plan. "What gift cards," said the Hutt. "You never asked me to buy any gift cards."

We could have lost our tempers, yelled and had a tantrum. Instead, very calmly, Spoof sent the original email a second time, highlighting the section about the gift cards.

We heard nothing back.

After several days, Spoof asked once more about the gift cards. This is the response we got:
 "I need you to send me the names and phone numbers of the winners so I can approve them before you contact anyone."

Approve them?! This was a random drawing and we carefully verified that all of the entrants met the three qualifications for entry. What is there to approve? Now, we know that the Hutt does not personally like one of the entrants, but that's no reason to cheat that person out of the prize that is rightfully theirs.

And that, friends is why the goose is, once again, after the Hutt.

Opie Redux

Apparently it is Opie week here at Falling Down the Death Stare. We have one more story about this ridiculous person to share with you.

As we were leaving Tartarus today, Opie and Spoof were headed in the same direction through the parking lot. Spoof watched Opie wander up and down the aisles for a while. Opie then came over to Spoof and the following interaction occured:

Opie: I can't find my car.

Spoof: That's too bad. I don't know where you parked.

Opie: You don't know where it is?

Spoof: No. I haven't seen it.

Opie: I looked everywhere. Well, I'm sure it will be okay. I can always call my roommate to help me find it.

Spoof: Whatever.


Now what you need to know is that there are two parking lots available to Tartarus employees. More than likely, Opie's car was in the other lot. Opie did not look in the second lot. Opie only spent a few minutes searching the first lot. Walking away, Spoof saw Opie on the phone, we can only imagine calling the poor roommate.

This is the person that the Hutt trusts to take on every responsibility that pops up at work. A person who can't open a door or find a car.


We ask you, who is dumber: Opie or the Hutt who thinks Opie can do no wrong.

Opie is the best, apparently

And how was your day?

Spoof:

 

Speck: I hate absolutely everyone.

No kidding folks. It's days like today that led us to give our workplace the following nicknames:

     1. Tartarus
     2. Sheol
     3. Avici (this roughly translates as eternal suffering)


It also leads us to make things like this:

We call them "Spongebob Deadpants"

 
 Worst of all, we have to go back again tomorrow.



 

Opie gets everything

Remember Opie from yesterday's post? The one who can't open a door? Yeah, that's the one. We thought today we'd tell you more about Opie.

The fact is, Opie is the favored one. What Opie wants, Opie gets. And Opie wants everything. Opie runs five programs every month, the most of anyone. Spoof and Speck together run three. Additionally, Opie maintains the business web site (having absolutely no qualifications in web design and maintanance) and is now getting training to run some more time consuming programs. Speck is hardly allowed to use the business Facebook page. Not to mention that only Opie has permission to use work time to work on a personal blog.  

Honestly, we aren't exaggerating at all. Opie is even the only one who gets any praise from the Hutt. Even when Opie screws up the Hutt has nothing but good things to say. We're sick of it but the Hutt won't see it and doesn't care. 

Opie wins again!

Of doorknobs and coffee pots

Imagine with us for a moment. Your walking around carrying a coffee pot in one hand and a water bottle in the other. Suddenly you come to a closed door. You need to go into the room on the other side of the door. What do you do?

What a quandary this is.

There are many correct answers to that question. Let's list a few:
   1. Set down the water bottle. Turn the knob.
   2. Set down the coffee pot. Turn the knob.
   3. Tuck the water bottle under your arm. Turn the knob.

You know what doesn't work? Trying to turn the knob with the coffee pot. Who even tries to do that? Our coworker Opie, that's who. What is going on in Opie's mind that the coffee pot seemed like the best answer to the problem? We shouldn't be surprised. Opie also thought that it was normal for the elevator to stop with the door open about three inches. Opie seems to have a real problem with doors.

Can't turn a doorknob

Apparently also can't turn a doorknob

Why you gotta be so mean?

You know it's going to be bad when the boss comes at you looking like this:

Bear in mind, when this happened to your friends Spoof and Speck this morning, we'd been at work for ten minutes. What can you do to piss off your boss in ten minutes? The Hutt proceeded to bawl us out for something that hadn't even happened yet and which received full approval on Friday.

Now, the Hutt did make some valid points but there was certainly no need to be nasty about it. This, friends, the the bulk of our complaint. You can be angry. You can scold people. There are ways to do that without making your employees feel like complete crap.

And that's why going to work every day feels like this:

  

It's Mo time!

Is that really a nut Mo is eating? Or could it be something more sinister? It looks suspiciously like fingers to us.

 

What does tomorrow mean?

A few weeks ago we held an even. It was a pretty big deal so we took a number of pictures to use for our website, Facebook, etc. During the event, our friendly neighborhood newspaper editor showed up. Apparently he couldn't be bothered to stick around and take his own photos, so he asked if he could use ours. 

"Okay," says Speck. "We'll put them on a flash drive for you."

"Great," says Stepeepen. "I'll pick it up tomorrow, sort through them, and bring the drive right back."

Not wanting to inconvenience him, we had the drive ready for him at opening the next morning. And then we waited. And waited. All day, no sign of Stepeepen. The next day, same thing. Meanwhile, the deadline for the paper (it's a weekly) had passed. Finally, three and a half days after he was supposed to show, Stepeepen finally came for the drive. 

End of the story? Not even close. He kept the flash drive for most of a week. So much for bringing it right back. Luckily the drive was a spare. 

Eventually, he did bring the flash drive back and he did use photos for the paper. Two of them. Two weeks of hassle for two photos and a couple of lines in the paper.

Unimpressed

Jidiot

When you're in a business and hear an announcement that the place is closing soon, what do you do? Do you take your time, make yourself comfortable? Or do you, like a sane person, make your way out the door? Worst are the people who hear the announcement "we're now closed" and still wander around. 

Tonight's victim led Spoof and Speck to coin the term "jidiot" (This is a combination of jerk and idiot, FYI). We watched the jidiot wander around for a solid twenty minutes, picking things up casually and setting them back down again. About five minutes before closing, the jidiot left. Then, as we were letting a straggler out five solid minutes after we closed, the jidiot zipped back in having "lost my keys." We stood there, dumb struck, as the moron wandered around, loudly proclaiming where she had been. Our coworker Gomer followed her around, helping look. We heard jidiot say the keys might be in her car but she thought she better check inside first "before you close." What made her think we were still open?! The doors were locked and the lights were off. She left a few minutes later still with no keys. Turns out they were in her car after all.

The Everyday Adventures of JimmyDuck: Inaction Figures

Ever have trouble keeping track of your boss's location? We have this problem all of the time. Even though the Hutt practically lives in the offices, we never know whether its taking phone calls or even which office its in. This became enough of a problem that the Hutt came up with a solution: the doll. The doll is like one of those artist's dummies, poseable and made out of wood.

 

Picture something like this

The idea is the doll will take one of three poses: out of the building, in the building but unavailable, in the main office and taking calls. In theory, this is not a horrible idea. In practice it has several fatal flaws:

1. The doll is kept at the main desk, down a flight of stairs from the offices. This means that the Hutt has to come downstairs to change the pose. One would think that you could just tell the people at the desk where you will be, thus rendering the doll redundant.

2. No one remembers what the poses mean. There is no guide anywhere. Additionally, those three poses don't cover all the possibilities for the Hutt's location and availability.

3. The Hutt rarely actually changes the doll. Seriously, it was in the "out of the building" pose for three weeks straight. More recently, our coworkers have taken to contorting the doll into freakish poses. No one notices.

And most importantly:

4. The doll makes us feel like preschoolers. We are all college educated adults. We understand words like "I'll be out of the office until 4". The doll makes us think you consider us all idiots.

Yeah, you might be out of the office but my brain is still here.

Swooping down from the sky

Spoof and Speck, in addition to working day jobs and being pretty darn funny, also happen to be artists. Every now and then, we'll be sharing our art with you here. 

This particular painting is a modified magazine page.

 

 

Do you think it's going after the guy or the dog?

Want to see more like this? Have a specific art request? Let us know in the comments.

Here comes Mo

We had another Rabid Mo sighting today. Take a look at this:

He's looking hungry, isn't he?

The spree continues

Our friend the murder goose has another victim in his sights. It's no surprise that he's now after good ol' Shoes.

Shoes tells us that we are no longer allowed to use a particular desk in one of our work spaces. We're told that co-worker Buck has been complaining that we're always taking up that space when he needs it. 

It so happens that we are friends with Buck. Concerned that we've offended him, Spoof apologizes for the inconvenience. Buck, it turns out, has no idea what we are talking about. He never made a complaint and has no desire to use the desk in question.

We don't object to being told not to use the desk (even though no one ever uses it). It's the lying that has us and the murder goose upset. 

Next time, don't lay your complaints on other people.